I should be reading New Moon!

Okay, so yes. I am one of those people. I have become addicted to the Twilight series. Sorry, but I want to be a Vampire. I can say this because I have only just started the second book, but I hear it gets tough from here to decide how you feel about vampires. Well, as long as I'm not dreaming about them as another friend is... I will deal.

Now on to the real story.

So I went to visit E this past weekend to celebrate the 25 mark. It was a lot of fun! I really didn't know what to expect when I got there but it was really great. She and Vixen were waiting on me to arrive so that we could start their planned adventure. I opened my gifts, a beautiful note set for my desk and an adorable photo frame from E and a 'Motorboat' shirt from Vixen. (A long story mind you.) We laughed at the cards and I told them about my horrible day.

I felt aweful that I just wasn't in the mood to dance when I first got there but a friend had been brutally gunned down that morning. Those things don't happen where I live. It was so hard to think about. But, they listened and I fixed a drink. The next thing I knew we were getting ready to go out and I was putting on my new Bare Minerals Rock Star Eyes. I love it!

So, we get ready and we head south. At this point I know that E has invited Big to go with us... I am drinking... let's celebrate! Well, I also didn't know it was supposed to be a girls night per Vixen. That's where it got interesting. Oh well, so we go eat and I am shocked to see lots of my friends there. It makes you feel great to know that people actually care about you too. We had fun, too many drinks and laughed the evening away. Soon it was time for us to head even further south and to the club. Always fun. By this point the boys have met up with us and they are going on to the club. Fun!

The next thing I knew I was on the dance floor a bit tipsy. I know that there is drama going on but I am really trying to stay out of. So... I met this guy from closer to my hometown... he bought me a Jack and Coke and we danced. Ah, how nice it is to dance with a random scumpcious smelling stranger. :) So we had fun and then it was time to go. E said she was going to stay with another girlfriend who met us at the club so Vixen and I decided to head back north. Realize, I was a bit... good to go... by this point. "It's my BIRTHDAY!"

So, Vixen and I hit up the gas station and head out. We get to the house very late and I have to move E's car. I did it is all I can say! Me and Vixen's size six flip flops; I wear a size 10 btw. So anyways. We talked even more than we had in the car. She and her fience had broken up the week before so we knew he would be there very early the next morning to get his stuff... and he was.

He got there at 8am. Okay, really? The hung-over girl did not need this. Thankfully another friend was with him and they decided to start on the bottom floor and leave the bed we were sleeping in til last. At this point I felt horrible that I wasn't consoling Vixen but honestly, I would have been puking not talking. So, after a while it is time for me to migrate to the couch. So, I, in a snug white t-shirt and pj pants head off... only to see about five guys in the living room. Great, should have left that bra on. Anyways, I lay down on the couch and try to avoid the nausea that is slowly waving over me. A little while later the 'nice guy' comes in and says, 'honey, I made the bed for you... you can go get back in it.' Oh was I ever thankful for that.

I go get in bed and Vixen and I stay there talking and watching movies most of the day. She is concerned for me because that night I would be seeing DJ for the first time since the night of hell.

So, we had our Christmas shin-dig at another friends house where I honestly ruled the beer pong tournament. Honestly, I won 6 of 7 games. And I lost the last one I played, I think it was because I was still standing to even play it. Anyways, about haflway through the night the 'boys' show up. It was so strange. That is all I can say. I was fine with it, but it was weird. He wished me a happy birthday and talked for a bit. The next thing I know I am standing on the back porch, his arm around me not leting go and gently rubbing my side. 'I love your hair, you look beautiful." Can I call a bullshit? That is what I wanted to say, I had just won six games of beer pong I was definatly not beautiful, but whatever. We talked for a bit then everyone started to leave. He wanted to stay to play more beerpong but his ride was leaving and I wasn't about to personally ask him to stay. Sorry, not even going to attempt that road again. I don't know. I think I was just so hurt by the actions that were taken the last time I saw him that I didn't know what to do or say. The more my drunken state became I was madder at myself for not being at least a little bothered than anything. It's like nothing really even happened... like it was six months ago all over again.

I swore this would not be about all of that so I am going to finalize that portion with this: I miss my friend more than I could ever say. I miss the one person I was completely honest with no matter what the subject. I miss crazy ass phone conversations in the middle of the night as we discussed musical lyrics and remakes. And yes, it hurt more than I thought it would but I am very happy to see that he is doing well.

Now, Sunday we went shopping. This is always good. I like to shop. My credit card will hate me. We had fun though! Vixen found her New Years outift and I bought lingeree and make-up. Hmm... intersting if I do say so myself. After dropping them off at their respective areas I had to drive the hour and a half drive back home. I was exausted when I got home but managed to start my New Moon book that I had received at the work Christmas party on Friday. It is good, but as I said before I haven't made it very far.

After throwing a party at work this evening I headed to the funeral home--which is something I hate to do. I don't want to talk about the situation but here is the semi-strange portion. Who do I see as I walked in? Oh just the guy I would love to hook up with in my hometown; you know the guy you adore? I know, you shouldn't be getting dates at a funeral home. I didn't. I didn't even get to talk to him but I did send him a message after leaving. We were both polite with the Merry Christmas blah blah stuff. Why doesn't he take a hint?

Sometimes a girl just needs to color.

Hit on at the gas station, seriously?

It's hard to believe that so much time has passed since I started this blog. I've done this sort of thing before, the thing where only one of your friends knows it exists and quite frankly talks you into doing it in the first place, but then you do it and you enjoy it for a while. Then the reality kicks in. You begin to read your old posts and it either makes you sad or makes you angry. IE, you want the good things back or you wish they had never happened. Right now those two items are at a dead tie. Christmas season I suppose.

So, as I am getting gas today this guy walks over towards my car. He is talking on his cell phone. I recognize him from my past and quickly get my phone in order to check in with my next appointment. Okay, I think he is walking away. Wrong, why can't the pumps be faster and instant from your vehicle? I have to speak.

"Hello," I say.

He smiles, "Hey, didn't you go to XXX High School?"

"No," I look away hoping for a savior, "I went to XXX XXX High School."

"Oh, you look very familiar."

I think for a moment and it hits me like a lump of coal upside the head, "I used to work a YYY."

"That's where I know you from! I'm on my way there right now to insure my new truck."

I smile, that is where I am on my way to. "Yeah, that was a long time ago," I say.

He smiles hopefully, "Are you dating anyone?"

Thinking quickly, "Actually yes I am," I say as I totally lie through my teeth.

"Is it serious?"

"Yes." I state matter of factly. "He lives out of town."

He looks disappointed then smiles, "Is it serious."

"Yes, very much so." I say looking down at the ring on my left hand I had placed there when I emptied my car out to take it to the dealership to have repairs made.

He looks ever so slighly, "He wouldn't have to know."

"Sorry," I state, "I don't think he would like that."

"But... I've asked you out several times before and you've always said no."

TAKE THE HINT, goes though my mind. "I'm sorry, he's a great guy and I would never do that."

"Oh!" Thinking fast, "do you go to church anywhere?"

"Yes, I go in XYZ town when I am with him." I say all too convincingly.

He looks away, "My mom, dad and I go to **** church, ever heard of it?"

I nod no.

"Well, if you're ever in town you should come visit. The pastor is in his 20s and is great."

"Thanks for the invitation," I smile backing towards my car door--thanking the heavens that my car is finished guzzling gas.

"It is great to see you, let me know if you're ever single."

"Okay," I smile. "Tell the girls at the insurance office hello."

So, I jump in my car and call my friend I was going to see at the insurance office. "That guy that used to stalk me is coming in, he bought a new truck... please lie for me!" She laughs histarically. "No, you really have to. He will stalk me! He knows where I work! I am in the paper all the time! Please tell my aunt if she asks NOTHING. There is no guy (Here, wishing there was), but he can NOT know that!"

She laughes and tells me to go to her house to get what I need. I avoid him and life is good.

So that is the funny story of the day. The guy that drove me crazy then may put me over the edge today.

Now, to looking back. This all comes full circle when in some aspects I only wish I had something that true to tell someone at Christmas. I wish things were different. I wish, I wish, I wish. Things are never going to change. It is official.

Now, I am going to visit E tomorrow! She Vixen and I will be doing something for my birthday which was earlier in the week. It should be great fun. Now, SHE has some explaining to do I have some "I told you sos" to say! ;)

Can you smile?

Have you ever really not been able to smile for days? I mean, sure, there are times when we think we have nothing to smile about but have you literally been unable to do so? Well I am there.

I had some dental surgery last week and am still unable to smile. In the beginning I couldn't even attempt it because I was so swollen, now it just hurts like hell. I keep thinking that this isn't happening. Oh, but there are pictures.

I just went to a lingerie shower for a high school friend and there are pictures of all of us and me--unable to smile look pissed the entire time. I wasn't. I am very excited for her. I totally understand planning a wedding in three weeks and think it is great that she and someone I was supposed to be set up with are getting married. LOL

So, back to not smiling. I've ate nothing but applesauce, no sugar added, scrambled eggs, twice, and mashed potatoes (at my birthday dinner at a nice restaurant). Can you tell I am loving this? Well, my thought is that this is my Christmas diet. I can't eat anything I want to so I might as well loose a few pounds while I'm at it. I wore a pair of jeans today that wouldn't have even buttoned last week. Wahoo!

So my mom is coming and she asked what I wanted. All I want is a milk shake, strawberry, from McDonald's. I mean, nothing cures pain like that. But no, their machine is out of order. Honestly?

Well, I'm off to make eggs. See, these things I don't actually have to chew.

Like Always

Like always the minute I'm ready to give up on Big he appears to once again throw my life into turmoil. Self-created turmoil, but turmoil none the less... Call it intuition or perhaps my somewhat physic ability to predict the near future but this morning as I sat at my desk I knew I would hear from him today. Then out of boredom I checked my horoscope/lovescope for today and it read:

"The astral aspect at play brings that old touch of magic to love and relationships today. But although it may seem truly fantastic, and as though you have been transported to the seventh heaven or cloud nine, don't presume that this is 'the glorious being' themselves, now arrived to save you from loneliness, boredom, and a freezing cold bed. It could be, but just don't bank on it yet!"

Yep, I thought to myself, I haven't heard from him since Saturday but I'll hear from him today. Sure enough I sat eating diner and from the other room I heard my phone go off signaling the receipt of a new text message. I knew it was from him. I finished eating then retrieved my phone. Sure enough his name was displayed on the screen along with an envelope. I learn he is out of town for work and won't be back till middle of next week.

Not being able to take it anymore! Hating the not knowing feeling that has consumed me the last few days. I become blunt when perhaps I shouldn't be.

Me: "Can I ask you a question?"

Big: "yea"

Me: "Did you really mean your little speech you gave last week?"

Big: "about?"

Me: "lol if you don't remember it, I'll assume it was the beer talking :)"

About? About? He quoted the effing Notebook for crying out loud! What the freak does he mean about? I shake my head. I truly am a hopeless romantic. Of course I want it to be like a scene in a movie where he tells me of course he meant it. Or at least knows what I'm talking about. Is that to much to ask for?? Once again I blame Disney and all those movies that lead girls to believe that such things do exist. Pish. Those guys don't exist.

I have to give it to Big though, he can be good with the words when he wants to be..... When will I ever learn?

Just Enough Rope

I. Can't. Sleep. I lay in the darkness waiting for sleep to come. I toss and turn, so many thoughts running thru my head. In silent desperation I feel the need to write. I feel the need to just get it out. I reach for the lamp on my nightstand and in one swift motion switch it on. Light floods the room. At the end of the bed a sleepy terrier blinks slightly annoyed that the darkness of night has been broken. Apparently I was the only one having trouble falling asleep. I retrieve my laptop, flip it open and press the power button. As I wait for it boot up I stare listlessly at the screen. Perhaps searching for answers to questions I have yet to ask aloud. Frustration seeps from my finger tips as I log in and start to type. Why do I let him do this to me? Why do I let him get to me?

It's been a week since the "Big" speech. Have I heard from?........ Well yes. But not in the way I expected I guess. I haven't heard from him since Saturday. I hate to admit it but I guess I was right. Some things never change. Oh how I longed to be wrong this time. Do I really think things will ever work out... No not really. But I'd like to give it a shot that way I will know once and for all perhaps.

I swear he has me on a radar. Every time my life starts going good and I'm at the point where I let him go it's like his radar goes off. Letting him know that I'm moving on. Then with sugar coated words he reels me back in. He gives me just enough rope..... just enough rope to keep from drowning but not quite enough to go ahead and hang myself. I still don't understand it. I mean he sounded so sincere.... this time the words didn't feel empty. This time the words had been laced with thought and feeling. Perhaps I am not the only one evolving. With time he has learned he has to step up his game to keep me hanging on. What is the point of it all though? I shake my head trying to clear it of all these thoughts. I'm so tired of letting him get to me like this. I'm tired of wasting my time thinking about him and the motives behind his actions. I need to let go. Throw the rope back, maybe I'm secretly afraid to let go. Cause I know that at the other end of that rope is my safety net. I'm tired of being the winner though at this loosing game. Maybe I do need to gather the courage to throw the rope back..... but what if I drown?

I can't be alone

If I've learned anything in the past two years it is that I can't be alone. I hate to be alone. I need people to function properly. Don't mistake wanting to be with people that I don't like to be alone for small amounts of time, but whole days make me a bit crazy.

It is Saturday and I have nothing to do and no one to do it with. Everyone in this town has something else going on and I'm not invited. Great. I hate this. My friends from E's side of the world invited me over to go look at Christmas lights but it is such a drive for one evening. Plus, I really don't want to be the third wheel on that outing. So, here I sit typing a blog.

I have sent texts to everyone here and asked them what was going on tonight. Christmas parties, got the kids, going out. Yeah, the usual I guess. Oh well.

Honestly though, I hate being by myself. For so long it was never a question, I packed my stuff on Thursday nights and headed out of town on Friday's after work and didn't return til Monday when I went straight in to work. Yeah, those days are gone. We've all grown up and have more responsibility than before. I don't think growing up is a bad thing, it just changes things and takes time to adjust.

I do miss those times though. No one seems to understand how much I do hate staying here. How much I need an escape. I hate to say it but leaving is like a drug. It feels like I've actually had a break when I get home. Oh well. Monies aren't easy to come by right now either, so I'll be happy that I have a job and deal with it.

Last night I did go see Four Christmases with a friend. It was HILARIOUS! I laughed my head off. But there were sad parts too. At one point Reese is sitting at her dad's house by herself in tears because she has seen how happy her family is with their kids and significant others. I wiped away the few escaped tears and tried to hold the flow back. I know how she feels. I'm not looking forward to it this year.

This morning I tried to plan a trip in March to a Billy Joel and Elton John concert but the tickets were just too much. $125 for horrible seats? Sorry, not doing it. The hopeful little girl in me hopes that at that point I will be seeing someone who will want to do something great for me and will buy the tickets. Right, what a great try. Sometimes my happy fantasy land is the best place to live.

Well, I guess I am going to go shower and at least put on nice clothes. I can't just sit here like this all day. I'm already done Christmas shopping minus two gifts. I may go out and try to finish those... but if I do I won't have anything to do the rest of the month of December.

Put your feet up on a road where you've never been

What do you do when you realize that you are scared? That you are truly afraid of what the future holds because things are so up in the air? Nothing really. Well, not so much.

I guess what I mean is that this isn't where I thought I would be less than a month to 25. I thought I would have a career I really wanted, be dating someone (if not married) who really loved me and wanted to spend the holidays with me, and be living on my own or with that special someone. But, thus there is none of the above.

The career I have is not the one I wanted. It is not something I want to do forever. I almost feel like I am taking a promotion because it is the next step. It is what is expected from someone in my situation. Everyone else seems to think it is a great fit but I'm a bit afraid. I know I can do it... but I think it will make me miserable in the process. What can I do about it? Nothing, it has already been announced and people are expecting it. I guess it makes it harder when your friends are sending you resumes for the position. Great.

Being with someone would be great. I am so f'in tired of going to things along. Thanksgiving sucked because I kept being asked where 'he' was. I don't even know who 'he' is much less where the heck he is! Come on now! It is always the same thing this time of year though. I hate it. I thought things would be different. But, I suck. Yeah, I do. I don't do relationships. I wish I knew how. I thought I had picked up on that, but apparently not.

All day on Thanksgiving I kept wondering what if? What if things were different. It would be nice for once for the questions not to be 'who is,' 'where is,' 'why not.' It would have been great. Oh well, just more to look forward to at Christmas. Yeah, it will be much worse then. I will be in a horrible mood because I will be alone. Riding in my parents car to my grandparents houses. NO! I will drive alone if I have to! I don't want to wake up alone in my parents house on Christmas. I want to be loved... cared for. I want someone to want ME. I am so sick of wanting something that I apparently can't have or doesn't exist. I thought it did; Disney should be sued for making us think that there is a happily ever after. There isn't! Everyone keeps saying that soon I will meet someone. BULLSHIT! I've been trapped in the same hell for years. Nothing changes.

So yes, in a little over two weeks I will be 25. Half-way to fifty. Everyone knows I hate my birthday. I hate it. There is no reason for me to like it. Yeah, I find tons of stuff to do the week before and the week after but that's only so I don't cry all evening, mind you I still cry myself to sleep. Either that or I have drank too much to be able to think about crying. Why do I feel like this? Again, because I am alone. Friends go a long way, but not long enough. They try to make you feel better when honestly all you want to say is 'I want to be loved, I want someone to really love me for once.' But no, life goes on and you have to listen to how bad their guy sucks when you are thinking how lucky they are to have him. Yes, LUCKY. I know many people who have never had to deal with being alone. Well, after so many years you are left behind. You don't know how to let anyone in. Guys begin to look at you like you are crazy for even being interested. Yeah, the skinny, laughing, cute girls get whatever they want whenever they want it just for those reasons. Those reasons SUCK. It is not flipin fair. I can go out and not be hit on once. Yeah, I'm that girl-the average girl who has the job, car, circumstances that you would think men would like--but hell to the no.

Oh yeah, everyone that is an aquantiance thinks I'm married. Well that fake smile must great magic tricks. I'm tired of smiling. I just want to say I don't care about your wedding right now! This is not the time of year for me to be happy go lucky. (Did I mention I am cooking for a bridal shower I am throwing tomorrow night? Yeah, not thrilled. Listening to the radio then I heard a song that reminded me of him. You know him, we all have a 'him.' I marched right over to that controller with my sticky nasty food fingers and turned it. Screw it, a new mouse is worth not having those flashbacks.)


I am just so tired of putting on the happy smile. I don't know why I decided to write this rant... but it came out. I had a great weekend and I should have been writing about that... some random concert with friends, screaming it was my birthday, dancing like a crazy person, laughing like nothing else mattered, seeing baseball players that I didn't even know who they were, music from 1996, a college football game in the freezing cold rain, hearing my friends new husband actually talk and then crack us up, Twilight. Yeah, it was a great weekend! The kind I really live for. Because most of the time then I don't have to think about the fact that I don't want to go home alone. But there is always that moment when you realize that you are single and that you are alone and there is nothing that anyone can do about it.

So what do you do when you find yourself in this position? Some friend say go out and meet someone. Where? A bar? Okay. It doesn't work that way. I know patience is a virtue, but it is one I do not possess. I just want things to be different this holiday season. I don't want to be alone anymore.

It's Been Awhile

Not that you've really missed me, but it has been awhile since I was last here. Sorry I guess I've kinda been wrapped up in my own world and have given little to no thought of the "what if's".

Winter is settling in. The shirts and sandals have been packed away my closet now overflowing with sweaters and warm winter jackets. Despite my low cash flow I am in dire need of three things, ok maybe need is a strong word. They are really more wants I guess than needs.

1. It is time for a new purse. Purse's are my thing I guess ~ some women buy shoes, I buy purses. I am going thru with drawls not being able to even recall when I bought my last purse. So it's safe to say it has probably been at least six months ago.

2. Brown heals. Why do I not already have a pair? Maybe because I don't wear heals that much (though I seem to have a gazillion black pairs). But I have several cute outfits that could really use a cute pair of brown heals to spice it up!

3. A black/gray jacket. I have several brown jackets, in different color variations and styles but not a jacket to go with anything black.

I'm starting to see a trend.... do I have any complete outfits?

And I know I said three things and those are my three things. For good measure though I would like to toss in a quick forth which would definitely be a want and not a need. My other week spot is camera's. I love to click away! I always carry a small digital camera in my purse, you know just in case. Well my poor Olympus has lived a long, hard life. I'm afraid after an unfortunate evening of being left outside (in it's case) on the porch railing, where it was knocked off where it sat till the next morning where I found it nestled in the wet dew grass. Yeah it's just really not been the same since. Due to this tragic evening I'm sure the camera gods do not see me as deserving of this Nikon Coolpix S60 but if I had the money it would definitely be on my shopping list! Thanks to Ashton's captivating commercials the Nikon Coolpix S60 has made itself number four on my want list! With it's smooth touchscreen and different color choices it just screams that it really wants to come home with me. But alas my empty wallet knows there are other things my hard earned money needs to go toward. In the meantime however I will drool over it and try to put back some money when I can with hopes of one day purchasing one.

Every time you use it _______.

So I really think I may be becoming that old Vivi. The one who worked all the time and lost friends because of it. After speaking with one of my best friends I realized that I was definatly reverting.

I say this because it is hard for me to go from authoratative boss to friend. I can't sugar coat anything and don't really care to. I don't have time for the b.s. And I really don't want to be that way. I find myself being way too stern and to the point. The last thing I want to do is to hurt the people who mean the most to me.

Now-on to where this kind of all came from. Anyone who knows me well knows thay I HATE my birthday. I hate the fact that it is in December and it always causes drama.

I did find out today that two of my aunts and my cousin and I are going to a Broadway Musical the Friday before I am halfway to 50. Funny how we start doing 'older' things! Anyway, so this is something I really wanted to do and my friends kind of vetoed it because of the holidays. Okay, resort to the family. It will be fun! They are already planning dinner reservations and where to party afterwards! :)

So, the friends are now asking me when and what I want to do. I really don't know. I am doing the thing I really wanted to go do with the family-so whatever we do as friends is a bonus. Though, it is the holidays and everyone wants to come but there are Christmas parties and other functuons to contest with. But sometimes you want to be selfish and say-this is my day. Oh well, that's not me. I want to please everyone so I will do whatever they want to do. I want to spend time with them-but too many factors.

Another factor? I really don't want to be 'alone' on my birthday. I mean that I don't want to be single but I always am, so I should be used to it. I suck at relationships. Hell, I'm not even a good friend right now muchless a girlfriend. I don't know how to do relationships and don't want to learn. Oh well, I guess I get to be the single one sleeping alone on my birthday. Yay. ::oozing sarchasm::

And no-i'm not going to lower what I want in life for one event in my life. If someone doesn't think I'm worth it then neither are they.

The whole 'where I thought I would be at 25' thing is a totally different blog-to be done at a computer not from my BlackBerry in bed.

A day, alone in the office.

So last Friday I found out my life is going to be a bit crazy for, oh well, as long as I am at my job. Fun! Today, I was alone in the office. That is okay when there is nothing to do but when you have EVERYTHING to do and an event tomorrow it gets a bit hectic. Not to mention that the other people from different organizations on the hall wanted to talk.

I feel like this is all moving very fast and I don't know if I can do it. I mean, I know I can--but it is going to be rough. I am very excited about the raise and the fact that I will be able to afford a house. My own house! That is so exciting! My car will be paid off soon--I will sell it and get the one on order. Yes, everything seems to be moving fast at this point. Whereas, my love life is at a standstill. Oh well, that is very normal for me. I apparently just don't date. I guess I should be used to that by now.

I worked from 8:20 to 6 today without a lunch break. I took the time to run to McD's for some chicken then came right back to the office. Ah, this is going to be my life isn't it? Maybe it will be worth it. If it isn't, then I will just move on!

WIth falling leaves come changes--big ones!

It really has been forever since I've had time to write anything on here--I'm sorry! I just don't think about it, and I can't do it while I'm at work. So, to catch things up a bit.

Live is getting crazy. Within the last month my boss got engaged, the other lady I work with--her son got married and now he and his wife are expecting. Did I mention there are only three of us in the office? So, this leads to my boss moving away in JANUARY, actually mid-December, and me being asked to take her position on an interim level. This will determine if I get the job full time after that time period. Am I freaking out, you can bet so! Not only am I required to do my job which is pretty hectic on a regular basis (tourism) but now I will be doing presidential functions. I will be attending meetings with my boss, learning programs, getting ready for a dinner, a reception, a bridal shower, a retreat, doing financials, all of this will occur before January 23. Yeah, so excited!

It is a great opportunity for me to move up in my career and I am not going to second guess myself. With the economy being the way it is I can't really follow my dreams and move to Charlotte or Nashville. I am going to have to stay put for a while. At least this way I will have this presidential position on my resume and then hopefully be able to find what I really want in about two years.

All of this has me looking at houses. I am sick of where I am right now and can't wait to have my own place. With that said, I don't think I can do it on my own so I am going to need a room mate. Who? That I have no clue about. I have three people in mind, one is a male cousin but he and I differ on subjects such as alchol and sex, the other two are friends from out of town. Though I don't know if either will ever move away from their home towns. Though really, with a very large new industry coming to a metro area here they should think about it! They are hiring now and those would be GREAT jobs for them. Benefits, steady work, and fun!

On to this weekend I suppose. Last night I went over to a friends where they were having a 'barn' party. Literally... at the barn. I had never been to one of these there... usually we just hung out up by the house. I didn't know they had even built a barn! LOL So I get there in hopes that this guy would be there. Nope, hunting in KY. DAMN! I needed him to be there. It's been about a year since I have seen him and nothing would have made me happier last night than a little getting down on the farm! ;)

Tonight is another friends bday party. I love her, but don't really love her friends. Should be an interesting time for all. I have a bottle of Crown and I'm ready to go. Don't know if I will even get the Coke to go with it!

Right now I am off to find her a gift, tan, run, and oh yeah. Go to the office for a few hours becuase I have got to get some stuff finished! Doing two jobs at once may kill me.

Ah, some things never change.

So it's been over a week since I've written. Between house sitting at a house that has no internet, computer issues in which I had to download Mozilla, and work that is crazy now is the first time I've had to really catch up! So sorry, this might be a long one!

When I posted last it was right before the hella Halloween party! It was a weekend! The night before the party I met up with Blondie and hung out with her and her boyfriend at his house. Very interesting. He is a nice guy but there is always something telling about age differences. Not to say that I am old, but maybe I'm getting there!

The next evening was the HALLOWEEN PARTY! It was great! We started out at one place then decided to road trip it to the neighbors. Fantastic times! It was great to get to see everyone and catch up with old friends! It was also wonderful to meet new people! I love talking to new people and just getting to know them. E tried to get me to hook up with a friend of a friend--sorry E, I slept alone! LOL It was a great night all in all! When we got back to the original party pad very late I was a bit taken aback by what I saw just because I wasn't warned. Oh well though, ignorance can be bliss I guess. The rest of the evening was fun. We laughed and joked. The next day we were all a bit hungover and tried to remember everything that had happened the night before!

Big news... my boss is engaged! Yes, this means major changes for me at work and I'm not sure exactly what that means either! Oh well. Right now it is one of those what do I do now type thing. So not only do I not know what is going to happen there or who I might be working for I am planning her bridal shower! Oh, and I think the wedding is out of town. WAHOO! haha not really! It is going to be expensive!

Over this past weekend I got to see my new baby cousin. He is three weeks old and absolutely adorable. Makes me want one, I think. Sometimes just holding a baby makes you think you really need one. That motherly instinct kicks in and there is nothing that you can do about it. I really am not generally the mother type but maybe? Ah, hell-I can't even keep a guy around long enough for a real date muchless to be a father!

So Halloween night kinda sucked. After seeing the baby I cooked dinner, fixed myself a Crown and Coke and waited for friends to arrive. A couple. It was fine... but it is horrible being alone. It makes you bitter. It would be great to have someone there to hold you when you scream in the middle of a scary movie.

Saturday I had a community club event to attend. Great. Just another reason to remind me that I am single and have no life. Yeah, and I got pulled over as I pulled into the parking lot. Ah, what a weekend. Just pour some salt in my wounds.

Now it is Monday evening and I'm sitting here doing nothing. I'm going to get up and go to the gym in the morning. It is time to start over... loosing two sizes by my birthday is possible and I am determined. I've always struggled with my weight and now is the time to struggle it off! I have nothing else to do that is really important in my life right now so I think this is the best thing for me to do. Maybe when I get pissed I can just run it off!

Old friends, memories, judgements and haunted houses

So last night I did go out with my friends from high school. These were good friends then, but as time will do we drifted apart. It was very interesting to see how we have really all changed. I hadn't hung out with them since January of this year. The last night I had seen them was a cold night when a terrible accident happened. So honestly I related them to a really bad night. Now they had nothing to do with the accident but because I was with them before it happened I related them to it myself.

Now, on to dinner. We went to Ruby Tuesdays just for dinner. I am ready for a drink. Nothing says old high school pals like sitting there wondering how this is all going to work out. So I order my beer and we begin talking about old times. About the times when we had fun at another friends house... about what might have been had we known what we know now then.

Oops, I didn't tell you who all was there! It was just myself, Ann, and Jessica. Always an intersting group... or at one point it was!

Ann is the one who hung out with the unusual crowd. She was always great--but sometimes different. Her current boyfriend of a year and a half is um, different. Not someone I would ever think of dating. Just... different.

Now, Jessica. She was ALWAYS the crazy loud one. She has lost about 50 pounds since high school and has a new boyfriend who she met through another mutual friend. She is still as crazy as ever and likes to question people to get more information/gossip out of them.

So, we eat dinner and continue to talk. It is good to talk to people about random stuff. I end up telling them about my little drunken text to L. They laugh and think it is hillarious! (BTW-Jessica's boyfriend is L's best friend.)

Next we talk about a time that Jessica and I went out with another friend who I will call Nicole. This happened about a year ago. At this point in time Jessica and I were both single and Nicole was married to one of our good friends from high school. Nicole ended up being the 'single' one that night and making out with this guy and giving him her number. It was bad. We discussed the 'should we have told her husband' thing at length. Looking back, I want to say yes. Her husband adores her... he still does. Currently they have three children. What is going to happen in the future when she decides to do something again and the kids are part of it? What happens when she hurts our friend. We discussed it all and decided that for now it was in the past and unless it came back up we would keep it quiet.

Laughing, joking, and stories go on for about two hours. It was good to talk; to see what we had all been up to. Next we decide to go ahead and head to the Haunted House. I personally loves the thrill of being 'scared to death.'

Jessica's boyfriend meets us at the Haunted House. We go in and honestly, it sucked. But that's okay. That happens! We had fun laughing at each other though! After that we all dispersed.

Is it weird that though some things never change it was like everything had? It was like we didn't really scratch anything under the surface, we just kept things very polite. I don't know, it was good to see them but I know we will never be the friends we once were no matter how hard we try.

On a random side note, Jessica's sister is the one who was being sat up with the cute cop I had met the night before. It was very interesting-she asked me what I thought about him.

Now for today. I have to go to the funeral home and then photograph a wedding for a friend. After that I'm going to meet up with another friend and see a movie.

Oh, and tomorrow night--I'm excited about this one--I'm going with a few friends to see a comedy show that includes a very funny lady and male strippers. This is going to be good!

Two shot glasses and a bottle of tequila with nothing but time on my hands

So it's been forever since I've had time to write anything on here! Let me tell you a little bit about my life so it puts into perspective how busy a single girl in a smallish town can be!

1-I have a job that is semi-political and sometimes takes more time than it should. I work from 8-5 and never take a lunch. After work many times I have social events that I have to attend in order to keep up with everyone else on a business standpoint.

2-I am a member of a community based club. I am on the board and generally have about 8 nights a month that I have meetings that might last about three hours each.

3-I try to see my friends. I don't like to be alone because it gives me too much time to think so if I'm not working or doing community work I try to be with people.

4-I work out. Sometimes at the gym sometimes just running in town. You'd be surprised at how much time that can take up if you really get into it!

5-My niece takes a lot of time. I love her and try to spend at least one evening a week with her.

6-Since getting the BlackBerry about three weeks ago I am ALWAYS connected. I love it but wonder sometimes!

Now that you know that let's move on.

A lot has changed in the past two weeks. I don't know how, why, or if I even like it but it has. I've learned who the people are who are there for you, I've learned that sometimes honesty is the best policy even if it hurts people, and that you should always say what you think because if you don't it WILL come back to bit you in the ass.

So, I'm dealing with all of that right now. But on top of that, last night I stayed in my home town and decided to meet up with an old friend and go to the High School football game. Well, she was coming in from out of town so while I was waiting on her I was invited to a tailgate at a friend from work's house.

I get there and go in. Interesting. One of the people there used to be an old instructor of mine and she was sitting next to this cop. Well, come to find out my friend was trying to set up the old instructor and the cop. Haha, well he ended up talking to me more than he did her! Well, dinner is over and time for the game.

I meet my friend, Brooke, and we head in. Let me just tell ya, it is so much fun to go back to a game. RIIIGHT. So I see several people that I know from work, a few from school, and we just generally hang out and talk. Well, we decide to visit with friends and their three kids down next to the fence line. There are huge Leyland Cypress trees down there, now mind you they were not there when we were and we are not that old, so the cops were down there keeping the kids out. The cute one, who I talked to earlier, came over and was like. I told you to stay out of there! We joked, flirted and laughed. Well my work friend comes over later and is like, they tell me you are causing a ruckus down here in the trees. I laughed and looked over at the cop, well--it's his fault he keeps busting me! You should just give me the keys to your house and then at least I would be in private. I thought she was going to bust a lung! :) It was rather good if I do say so myself. So he laughed and thought I was funny... so we will see if anything comes from that. Most likely not, but I am going to make sure to ask her about him next week.

He isn't like OMG hot, it's not like the first time I met someone else... but ya know--it is time to move on and what if it is only a few dates. At least it is something and not trying to avoid the issues.

Speaking of issues, I can't get Don Juan out my mind. I want to know that he's okay. That I still have a friend. Maybe I'm being stubborn by not calling/texting him but I really think it is his move.

So I'm fixing to head out with some of the friends I met up with last night to dinner and a haunted house. Should be interesting. Might even have to admit to my drunken dialing of our mutual friend who I will call L. See what they think of that one. Not sure if this is a girls night or if it is a joint thing--we should see. Nothing would make me happier than for him to be there too!

I swear I can be by myself, I've done it for forever but I need someone to help complete something in my life.

I want to go back...

So I want to go back. I want to go back to that January night when the world was right. When we laughed all night wrong and life was great. To when everyone else had went to bed and we weren’t tired. When we talked for a few minutes then decided to continue the conversation in bed. Back to when we searched for a toothbrush for him. To when he left it in my bathroom like he would come back. I need that back. I need back when we were going into my room and he kissed. He really kissed me. I want that feeling back. I want the magic of not knowing the future and not caring because life was good. It was new and good, and I hadn’t screwed it up yet.

I want to stay in that night. That night when I laid on his chest and we talked all night about nothing at all, yet about everything. We talked about music, our pasts, and our futures. I want that back. We slept on an air mattress in a freezing room and stayed as close as two people could possibly get without having sex. I want that back. I didn’t care then. We were friends, but more? I want to know what it could have been if things would have been different. If I would have said more then? If I had been happy with myself then and not let things go. If I had had an opinion? Yeah, that would be great.

Too late now—that’s all just a memory.

“He's just an old memory
That don't remember me
And I can't get over him
Though it's been so long since he chose to leave
And I'm a grown woman
I should've already set myself free
From that old memory that don't remember me
He don't remember me”
-Ashton Shepherd, Old Memory

So, I thought it was going to be a date, little did I know I would be working.

So about a week ago I come into my office from a lunch meeting. Standing in the hall as I try to get to my office is Office Mom and this semi-cute guy. You all know Office Mom (OM), she is the one that has got your back no matter what. She is going to fight for what is right no matter what and is a ton of fun. In other words, you wish she was your mother. Now, this guy. He was tall, dusty blonde hair, kinda skinny with blue eyes. Oh, did I mention he had on a rival team's shirt? Yeah, great!

Well OM says that she's going to lunch since I had made it back and that she would see me later. I said okay, "I'll call you if the party gets too big here and we need more beer."

She being the fun one just laughs. I notice that the guy is staring at me with one of those, 'is she kidding?' looks. I don't care, I don't know him.

So I continue into my office and sit down then start checking the mass amounts of e-mails that I have collected since I have been out. Yay, the usual.

Well, I hear the end door open and shut and can tell that it is the guy leaving because I hear here still in her office trying to get everything together to go. Well, I hear the front door bell ring and don't even get up to see who it is. I figure if I don't hear anyone in a second I will. Well, I continue to check my e-mail and then I look up.

He is standing there, cute even. 'Ok, what does he want?' I think.

"Ms. (Insert last name), what are you doing for dinner tomorrow night?" he says as he smiles and steps about two steps inside my office.

I am thinking, 'what in the world is going on here? Is he asking me out? Okay... just do it. E always says that I don't take chances with my personal life so here we go.' I lie and state that I have nothing going on.

"Then dinner is tomorrow night at seven," he smiles.

By this point I am CONFUSED. I don't even know his name, never seen him before. He is in the rival team's t-shirt. I've seen his truck and what he is doing there. Does he have a real job or does he just do campaign stuff? What am I thinking?

So I am like, "Okay, what is your name?"

By this time OM is standing behind him laughing. He states to OM, "She thinks I just asked her out on a date."

"That's what it sounded like," OM says. "Not a bad idea either."

At this point I am sitting behind my desk wondering what in the HELL is going on. Should I have told him the truth and said I had another meeting I needed to attend the next night? I lied. No, I just sit there dumbfounded.

He turns back towards me, "Okay it is at seven tomorrow night at the event facility."

"Okay, what is this?" I asked, "And what is your name?"

He ignores the name part. "You will be sitting at the elected official's table. I am trying to fill the table so he will buy it."

"Okay," I say as I wish I could climb under my desk or even better, out the window that is direclty behind me.

"Great," he smiles, "when you get there just tell them who's table you are sitting at and I'll hopefully see you. I'm sitting with another official."

By this time OM has walked away, laughing. And I, well I was ranshacked. I don't know what else to say. I thought I was getting a date out of the deal but apparantly I was going to a work type function banquet for a company that I do business with on a regular basis. Agh!

So, I didn't know what to do. The elected official to whose table I was to be sitting works in the same building I do. He was out of town at the time--but I still didn't know what to do. So, being the person who does what I say I'm going to I agreed to do it. What else was there to do? He smiled, said he would see me the next evening and left.

Well, when the elected offical's assistant got back from lunch I told her what happened. Her words, "Was it the dark headed one or the light headed one?" What? LOL This is how we refer to campaign staff? Great. I tell her and she laughs and wishes me luck.

Well, on to the next day. I had a golf tournament that my company was putting on the day of the event, see my prior blog for info on that one, and so I was hot and tired by the time I got off. I hurry to the dealership, where my car is being fixed, and then come home to get ready to go. I curl my hair, put on a cute dress, hot high heels and run out the door. I'm running late as usual.

When I get the event facility I go in and wait to be seated. As I am in line I see one of my colleagues get in line behind me. Here goes business talk. This lasted for a moment then I was led to my seat by a friend. She was asking me about a Kenny Chesney concert I had attended, what had been going on, and much more. Not a big deal. Well, I go sit down next to a girl at the table.

"Is there anyone sitting here?" I ask.

She smiles, "No."

I notice that she is younger than me. Now, this doesn't happen often at these functions. It is very strange for me. "Great."

We make small talk for some time, "Who invited you?" I ask.

"Matt," she states.

"Matt?" I ask as the guy who asks me walks up to me in a waiters uniform.

"Yeah, that's his name." she laughes.

He comes over and says "hey" then has to keep going on about his business. I am thinking, "so now he's working the event?" I am growing even more confused by the moment.

She and I talk some more, she is also working on the campaign as a college student. Oh my, she's a student. I am getting old here!

Two couples come and sit down who are also in the political realm. I talk to them like I've known them forever. That is what I get paid to do at my real job as I like to call it. Great, I am working. The next thing I know a Pastor sits down. Okay, another element to the conversation So we have 1 Baptist Pastor, 1 couple who works for a elected official at another table, 1 couple who is cororate, myself who works with everyone above, and my newly made friend who works at Outback and goes to college. Intersting topics.

This turns out to be a working banquet, meaning that they talk while you are eating. 'Well, that saves me.' I think. I am tired of talking to people, I've done so all day by this point.

During dinner Matt, again this is his name, fills our drinks and chats occasionally. Well, after we eat and he has cleared our dishes he brings himself a plate out and sits down between the preacher and I. He has on an apron, removes it from around his neck and eats this course. I laugh to begin with because I am so lost. He smiled and laughed as well, "I was hungry." Quickly he gets up and goes back to the kitchen. We sit and watch more of the program which is concerning sex and safe sex pratices. Yes, I am at a banquet that basically concerts reproduction. Great.

I get a little uncomfortable about the topics at one point as they have people come up and testify to their stories about abortion. This is not a dinner topic-just to let you know.

Everyone at the table finally decides to eat desert except for the pastor. Not a big deal. Right. Matt comes back and sits down. He begings to eat his cheese cake, I remind him to take the apron off. He laughs and I can tell the girl next to me is not liking our conversation, oh well--it's innocnet. I mean, they are talking about abortion in front of us. Do you honestly think this is a date? No. Anyways. He eats his cheese cake, looks over at me and winks then takes the pastors chocolate cake and eats it too! I was about to crack up at the faces he was giving. Oh well though, not a date. I'm sitting at a VIP's table... be good Vivi. I kept telling myself that anyways.

Well, Matt stays for the rest of the program. They ask for donations in which I am a sucker, so I gave them a check. (Tax deductible mind you.)

After the program is over I stand and talk to Matt, the girl, and the elected official's campaign manager. They were all really nice. As I get out my business card to hand it to someone coming up to me Matt takes them. He starts singing, "Make it rain, make it rain..." I am cracking up by this point. Well, until I see that the girl has NO CLUE what song he is talking about. He just laughed and we talked a bit more.

Now, so I talked to the Campaign Manager. He's hot. Politicians don't make the best boyfriend, so I am thinking talking long to this guy can't be good. He is really nice though... says he will come by my office one day. Sounds great to me. :)

So I am finally ready to go, Grey's Anatomy came on that night and I needed to get home for it! (I only miss that show for coloring, and I wasn't coloring so I didn't care!) We all said our goodbyes and Matt thanked me for our 'date.' The girl gave me a look and the Campaign Manager must have been in on what happened so he just laughed.

I said my goodbyes, went to the car and called E and Blondie.

So--what do you do when a date isn't a date? When you try to be brave but it almost backfires? I say almost becuase I did enjoy the funny parts of the evening. The food was good, seeing business associates can be great, and laughter. I didn't know what to do. I tried the brave thing and it was interesting but do I honestly think I'll hear from him again? Not unless he has a table to fill. Do I think I'll see the Campaign Manager? Not really--though I have thought about asking my friend about him. But, honestly he has a name I don't even remember! How sad is that! It is different. Oh well, if you can't remember his name should you even be interested? Now, last names are a different story--this is a first name!

Ponder this. . .

First a little background. I've been in my current position for a little over a year. I'm finally beginning to become very comfortable with the people I work with. So yesterday, after taking my car the the dealership for a small repair, I rode with my boss to an event we had. Now, she's only two years older than I am so it defiantly keeps things interesting.

Along the way we stop at McD's for Iced Coffees and Sweet Teas. Yum! So, as we are leaving there I ask if she happened to see Lipstick Jungle the night before. She hadn't. I couldn't resist I had to ask her if she'd ever heard of the Botox to the G-Spot scenario they had had. (I mean, have you?) She honestly almost choked on her cold coffee! She was like "you can do what?," I concurred! I am still baffled by this whole thing.

Well, I figure since we've already been too open that morning and discussed this topic and because I really needed to stay on schedule with my birth control that I would just go ahead and take it. So I did. She laughed. We are becoming too open! Oh well though. We're both women and have had the birth control talk before.

So what's too open with your boss? Who knows!

On to the event. It went well. I almost died several times on the back of a golf cart by the hands of persons I work with. Flirted with a random boy, without a ring thank you, and finally came home to get ready for my next outing. Which is a blog within itself and I really need to finish my hair so I'll get to that soon enough! ;)

I hate to, but it needs to be said

I don't even want to talk about this. It is much easier just to pretend that it isn't happening--that I didn't fall for an asshole.

Really, I don't want to think of him as that. I know E is great friends with this guy, and I am friends with him but there are a few things that I really need to get off my chest. Literally.

So, I don't know when it happened? Maybe one random night when we sounded like 'monkies' and laughed all night. Maybe it was one night in February when we talked on the phone all night like we'd known each other forever? Or maybe it was one random night when we ended up tangled up on my airmatress. Or was it one random night standing on his front porch when he kissed me like there weren't thirty people standing around? I don't know, but I more or less fell for the guy.

Let me explain. I NEVER let people in. They never see the true me because I'm scared they will leave me. This spans back a long time. From when I found out my grandfather had cancer. I was so mad at God because he made the one person who I loved and that loved me more than anything sick. I felt that He didn't want me to be happy. I watched my grandfather suffer for months on top of months. I knew from a very young age what it meant to be hurt. My grandfather was the one person in my life who had never let me down. He was the one who was there when it went to hell at home. He always told me it would be okay, and it was. He was the one who would come and get me and listen to me cry all night. I miss him more and move every day; I'm in tears as I even write this. I will miss him forever and I will never forgive myself for letting him go. I know that it wasn't my fault but as a young child you think it is. You think you did something to deserve losing the one person who you loved more than anything. He wasn't perfect but to me he was. To this day I can't stand to hear anything bad about him; I prefer to remember how tickilsh his feet were and how he hated the smell of eggs. I love him.

From that to this. My grandfather was the only man I ever let in; my father never even got in my life the way Grandpa did. The only other male I ever remotely let in anywhere close to that turned out to be an ass. Now, he and I didn't really date--but I let him in further than anyone else had ever been. I trusted him. And that hurts more than anything, that I was dumb enough to trust him. I trusted the one guy I should have known better than to trust. And I'm not even saying that he broke my trust--we never talked about a future or anything like that, it just hurts to know that the one time I think I'm right I was so wrong.

Now, this guy I miss. I miss our random phone conversations... our random texts. But honestly, he has done some pretty shitty stuff to me. Things you don't do to friends muchless someone that more has happened with.

But ya know what, it was my fault... and now I have to deal with it. I have to forget that I ever let him in. I have to now put him back out and be a friend if he even wants that.

Now, here's the only problem--things I would say to a friend I can't say to him because I really think he would take it as the jealous girl. TO HELL WITH IT!

Oh, and his new songs? (Seeing as I can't send them to him.) Jason Aldean's "I Break Everything I Touch" and Stephen Cochran's "Thinkin' I'm Drinkin'."

Oh and I promise this, I will not let anyone else in without them fighting... and no one fights for me, so I guess throwing myself into a career is the best thing I can do for myself. At least then I can attempt to buy the happiness someone else could or should bring into my life.

Lost in the dark

I'm lost in the dark going in circles. At least that is what my life feels like at the moment. If this were a ride this would be the point I would get off and make a mad dash for the bathroom while pressing my hand over my mouth hoping that will help keep my lunch down. When did we grow up and life became so complicated? As I sit here typing I feel overwhelmed and lightheaded. Where did I go wrong? Never mind I know where I went wrong, I know the exact date. But everything happens for a reason or at least that is what I've always been told. But when do we find out these reasons? Maybe it's my impatience but I'm ready to know now. What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger and I have learned a lot about myself in the past months. I am a much stronger person than I ever thought I was or could be. I have my weak moments but they are starting to become fewer and farer in between. Past relationships have left a bitter taste behind one that will hopefully also fade with time. I used to think if I could do it again I'd do it all the same, but that's lie. A lie I guess I tell myself so that I can better live with the decisions I have made. Some things I would do the same but about the last 9 years of my life I would have done a lot of things differently. Am I wiser for the decisions I have made? Probably not but hopefully I have at least learned enough from them so that I will not repeat them in the future. I will continue to walk the world with my head held high, and I will continue to hide behind my fake 'everything is all right' smile. I will take the lemons life has handed me and call Vivi, who I know has vodka, and take shots to dull the pain of life. I feel so negative when I am usually so positive. And I do have so many things to be positive and thankful for. And number one on that list is great, make that wonderful, family and friends. I don't just have 1 best friend, I have 5. I couldn't make it without them. I love them as if they were my sisters, hell they are my sisters. And even though I may feel as if I'm wondering lost. I know they will be right there with me to help me find my way. They may laugh if I trip in the dark and fall down, while screaming profanities, but I know they will help me up. They will help me to be strong when I forget how to be. Together we will face our demons, together we can take anything life throws at us. These girls will always come first in my life. Some people may not understand that. But that's ok. They obviously don't have as good of friends as I do. If they did they would understand that in a constantly changing world our love for one another never changes. They are my rock. That is why they will always come first. Cause at the end of the day I know we will always be there for one another. No matter the distance in between and no matter where life takes us. We will always find our way back to each other.

So, I think I just lost my undies and my mind!

(Okay, I read over this before I even posted it--sorry if I sound like a complete witch--just a bad day! Needed to vent!)

It has been a while since I've been able to write--sorry! I know that all of my loyal fans have been wondering where in the world I've been, lol. Visiting E, what a surprise! So, I feel it is time to back track a bit.

Labor Day Weekend.

Honestly, I don't even remember what all happened that weekend! I am pretty sure that on that Friday night we hit the bars, Saturday we hit the bars, Sunday the lake, Monday Vixen's and Tuesday hell mountain.

Let's just say that by Sunday we had to take a break and go to the lake. It had been a wild weekend. Full of crazy madness!

Friday night we met up with the boys for a bit, then left them. In the meantime E, Blondie and I rode an Electric bull! How crazy is that? Not all three at the same time, two at a time thank you! It was rather funny. First of all I don't know exactly HOW we ended up at that bar, muchless on the bull! Next thing I know I've lost my sunglasses, been recognized by someone I went to high school with (NEVER a good thing by my standards), and ran a bit of interference for E and Mr. Big. Yeah, you read that right. What comes around, goes around then comes back--sometimes to haunt your ass.

Saturday I got drug to watch a college team that I really do not care for, I mean--I bleed orange! So yeah, E, Blondie, and the boys (Mr. Big and Don Juan) headed south to see the game... we were joined by half of the freakin' town. Always interseting. It was thought by some that aparantly I have a thing going on with Blondie's ex, so NOT the case by the way. Could have went there, didn't--thank you! Next thing I know we are all back at our favorite bar in town which I will call SR's. Fun times! Things got a bit nuts from there. Crazy nuts! I had way too many jager bombs, flirted a bit too much, honesty leaked. The general not so good drunken thoughts rambled. Next thing I know we have shut down the bar and I am standing in the parking lot with Don Juan. Yeah, always an intersting thing. Blondie had already 'found religion' that night but E decided to try to talk Mr. Big into coming home with her. So, anyways... Don Juan and I are standing in the parking lot and talking. He is standing too close, that close that makes you want to taste the liquor on his lips. Momentarily I did--then his damn phone went off. (I am going to shove that thing up someone's ass very soon. Mind you that story is coming.) So, we talked for a moment about randomness, he was ready to 'go home' which made me quite happy. I mean, it has been forever.... too long persoanlly, but that is one of those 'what if I do' moments within itself. Anyways, by this point Mr. Big has said he is staying, as Don Juan and I walk up to the front of the bar they are now standing at he tells Don Juan he is staying and asks if he is doing the same. Well, they are hooked at the hip, so Don Juan decides to stay as well--though I'm sure the text messages he's been getting didn't hurt that any. On to later that night, E takes my car to go get Mr. Big who has just dodged a deer. Ah, the drama.

The next morning we girls decide to head into town to get some grub. Well, who do we see on the side of the road, out of gas, but the text messaging buddy to whom I will call qwitch. (Oh, I of all people can call her this--don't you dare say I'm not being nice. No one knows that whole story.) Great times are had as E texts Don Juan and tells him that his 'friend' might need some help. Well, oh hell--he doesn't have a car at his house. Damn.

So after thinking that we should all know better-but knowing we don't, we continue with our day. Talking about life, love and the lack of--but this time while we're at the lake. This is a great life mind you. We drink, lay at the lake, and generally only have issues with stupid boys.

So, on to Monday. While E was at work I cooked items for the cookout at Vixen's house for Labor Day. Always an intersting day there! Well, in the meantime I decide to go take the tops out of my car. Well, my intentions were GREAT. The keys were locked in it. I tried clothes hangers, looking for a hidden key--nothing. So I decide that before I call E or Blondie, whom I am supposed to be meeting before we go to Vixen's I will try to call the boys. Yeah, they just asked what was wrong--no offering to help, nothing. Does this tell you anything? It should have told me. So, Blondie comes to get me... we go south, meet the families-I progress to drinking two glasses of wine and then it goes downhill. I was saying some CRAZY stuff! Yeah, me crazy! HAHA So we get back to the house and it is just E and I. Fun times! All I said was 'he needs to put his big boy panties on, or off, and..." Well you get the picture. A month? A month? *#$%ing cell phone. So, E decides that Fire Guy should come over... well, I told her to tell him to. I wanted to watch my boys win the game and I was in a GREAT mood! Fire Guy gets my car unlocked. ROCK ON! Brownie points so earned for that! Now, his dissing of my team might have totally canceled that out... oh well! :)

Tuesday was the most intersting. I've never lost my underware and couldn't find them, but it happened! E and I were sitting around thinking that NOTHING was going on that evening then her religion (Mr. Big) decided she need to find him--so he sent her a message. Next thing I know we are headed over to their house, he and Don Juan are roomies. Intersting. We laughed until we cried. Called each other out on crazy stuff--and were generally having a great time. Next thing I know we are on top of the world laughing and loosing things. It was interseting. I still have scrapes and bruises that I can't explain. Well, I could--but not to anyone I know.

While E and the other boys were off doin their own separate things Don Juan kissed me and more. It felt so good to feel his lips on mine. I felt needed, wanted, and much more. Things were going great--then his phone rang. My heart sank. I knew it was qwitch. He gave her directions. Then he kissed me again, as I tried to put myself and my clothes back together he kept dismantling them. Explain to me why the hell he would kiss me, make out, more--remove items, when he knew she was on her way there? While she was walking up the steps. She had to have seen.

Am I that much of a whore? That's exactly what I felt like. A complete slut. Maybe I am, I know I'm being used but I can't say no to him. Or, am I being used? I've never said anything about it. I've always just went along with it because I'm afraid if I say anything then the friendship and everything else will be over. To live with the BS or life without a friend, that is the delima.

Well, on to what happened. He left with her as we went on somewhere else. After making our next round we went back to his house. I refused to go in; not even to get the car keys to leave. It hurt too much to know that the lights were off--the music was up, the mood lights were on... I've been there. I honestly thought I would be there that night. I needed to be. This whole situation is doing nothing for any bit of self esteem I might have ever had. I left E there and went to her house. I didn't sleep at all. No sleep and a long drive with work afterwards are not a good combination.

Last week I was so pissed. It hurt, as his friend I thought I reserved more respect than that. Makes you wonder if you were ever friends to begin with. And no, I don't mean to be rude... and I do think we are friends. But it hurt. It still does--I guess.

Friday

There's something about Friday... something in the air you can actually feel. Every one's nicer, the day hopefully passes more quickly and the promise of a fun weekend is knocking at your door. Well at least at mine. Because with my new "go get it" attitude I'm determined me and my girls are going to have a good weekend! Tonight I'm loading my horse on the trailer and going barrel racing. Ah a night at the horse shows equals a perfect night for me. I mentioned it to Big but you know this is almost a part of my life I would like to keep separate. You know my thing. What makes me happy; win or lose. Is that selfish? Part of me would like to invite him, but then I'd have to deal with him all night and not get to concentrate on myself having fun? Is that selfish? Well if so it's about time I'm being a little selfish!

To Date Or Not To Date?

To date or not to date that is the question. And I'm probably putting the cart before the horse but I always like to be prepared. So I asked Big about dating other people. For details check my other post ~ So after going around and around in circles he says it's ok to go on a date with someone else. Did he act like he meant it no. So to date or not to date? I mean do I take the risk of losing Big by going on a date? Or waste my time on Big by not going on date? I don't know why I'm asking these questions. Chances are its not something I'll have to worry about in the near future. But it is my "what if" of the day. Damn Big.

Lady Luck

When I sit down to write a new post I always type, So, then I delete it because I think I can't start off a sentence that way but in reality that is always the way I want to lol. Sorry I do it everyday and laugh at myself so had to tell you that way maybe you can laugh to.

Anyway maybe luck was on my side yesterday. I sent the email. He replied. Talked about getting together sometime. He asked when. I gave him my number. He said he would call. So now just have to wait and see if he does. And you know if he doesn't it's ok because at least I put myself out there.

It's Friday and beautiful outside! I'm in such a good mood nothing is going to bring me down!

Luck Is On My Side

My horoscope for today said luck is on my side. With that in mind I have been throwing an idea around in my head today. I'm ready to go on my first "date" as a newly single girl, maybe not even a full fledged date but perhaps even just a lunch date. So last week at an office party I found a potential guy, Fire Guy, and him and I are friends on myspace (can't myspace be a wonderful thing). So I've been throwing around the idea of sending him an email on myspace. This could get the ball rolling and if it doesn't oh well. Right?

But the dilemma is what should I say in this potential email? I mean I know him but I don't know him that well..... And as you can tell from my personality I am a go-getter, grab-the-bull-by-the-horns type of girl. I mean really what do I have to lose? Nothing. What am I set to gain? A date or maybe just a new friend. I'm not looking for a relationship, I just want to go on a date. You know get back out there. But I don't really have time to go on a date - so yeah a lunch date would be good. So back to the email what should I send??? ..........................

Ok I left for a minute but I'm back and I did send a quick note saying hi. Now we'll have to wait and see if I get a response.