Him

I wrote this on March 20 in a draft and did not get around to posting it.....

You are out of my life. I have closed my heart to you. Why then when I get a text and I open it does my heart skip a beat. Why do the butterflies swirl in my stomach? As I sit at work my phone goes off. It's a text. I assume it is Vixen who I have been texting about weekend plans. Imagine my shock to see his name. Before I can control it those emotions swirl inside me. Why? When I am around him or see him I can keep them in check. Tell myself I no longer care and for that matter actually believe it. But that surprise moment takes me by surprise, my guard was not up. My cheeks flush. I can feel the flames creeping up my neck. Why him? What is so special about him that makes my heart race? Let's stop and analyze this for a moment. He's cute but he's not drop dead good looking or anything. He can be nice and thoughtful at times, but a selfish ass at others. He may never really grow up. He doesn't have a steady job. But he has that lopsided smile, the one that makes it impossible to say no to. It's the way he holds me when I cry. The way he really listens when I talk. It's that school girl crush that remembers those summer nights long ago when she fell in love with a blue eyed boy she knew would break her heart.

Another Night, Another Dream But Always You

It was Easter Sunday and I sat in my church pew before the sermon started thinking how ironic life can really be. He sat directly in front of me just a few rows up with his "new" family. I figured he may be here today but could he not have sat somewhere else not within my line of sight? On the outside I appeared calm and cool allowing no one to see the tears that flowed within. He was my best kept secret and my favorite mistake. Part of me wished it was me that he sat next to. But the other part of me knew that everything happened for a reason.

It didn't help that I knew to many secrets. To much about his situation; to much from every angle. I wished him the best and hoped that everything would work out between him and the woman that now carried his unborn child. But like myself I didn't think this would be his storybook ending. Again I knew to much. To much of her personal thoughts. And the worse part was I really liked her. That was what made it easier to be semi-happy for him and hope that it all would work out and that this would be his happily-ever-after.

Either way his chapter as a love interest in my life was closed forever. Harsh? No just to many complications. To many strings attached. At least in this small town.

Funny this was never how I thought our story would end.

I should be reading New Moon!

Okay, so yes. I am one of those people. I have become addicted to the Twilight series. Sorry, but I want to be a Vampire. I can say this because I have only just started the second book, but I hear it gets tough from here to decide how you feel about vampires. Well, as long as I'm not dreaming about them as another friend is... I will deal.

Now on to the real story.

So I went to visit E this past weekend to celebrate the 25 mark. It was a lot of fun! I really didn't know what to expect when I got there but it was really great. She and Vixen were waiting on me to arrive so that we could start their planned adventure. I opened my gifts, a beautiful note set for my desk and an adorable photo frame from E and a 'Motorboat' shirt from Vixen. (A long story mind you.) We laughed at the cards and I told them about my horrible day.

I felt aweful that I just wasn't in the mood to dance when I first got there but a friend had been brutally gunned down that morning. Those things don't happen where I live. It was so hard to think about. But, they listened and I fixed a drink. The next thing I knew we were getting ready to go out and I was putting on my new Bare Minerals Rock Star Eyes. I love it!

So, we get ready and we head south. At this point I know that E has invited Big to go with us... I am drinking... let's celebrate! Well, I also didn't know it was supposed to be a girls night per Vixen. That's where it got interesting. Oh well, so we go eat and I am shocked to see lots of my friends there. It makes you feel great to know that people actually care about you too. We had fun, too many drinks and laughed the evening away. Soon it was time for us to head even further south and to the club. Always fun. By this point the boys have met up with us and they are going on to the club. Fun!

The next thing I knew I was on the dance floor a bit tipsy. I know that there is drama going on but I am really trying to stay out of. So... I met this guy from closer to my hometown... he bought me a Jack and Coke and we danced. Ah, how nice it is to dance with a random scumpcious smelling stranger. :) So we had fun and then it was time to go. E said she was going to stay with another girlfriend who met us at the club so Vixen and I decided to head back north. Realize, I was a bit... good to go... by this point. "It's my BIRTHDAY!"

So, Vixen and I hit up the gas station and head out. We get to the house very late and I have to move E's car. I did it is all I can say! Me and Vixen's size six flip flops; I wear a size 10 btw. So anyways. We talked even more than we had in the car. She and her fience had broken up the week before so we knew he would be there very early the next morning to get his stuff... and he was.

He got there at 8am. Okay, really? The hung-over girl did not need this. Thankfully another friend was with him and they decided to start on the bottom floor and leave the bed we were sleeping in til last. At this point I felt horrible that I wasn't consoling Vixen but honestly, I would have been puking not talking. So, after a while it is time for me to migrate to the couch. So, I, in a snug white t-shirt and pj pants head off... only to see about five guys in the living room. Great, should have left that bra on. Anyways, I lay down on the couch and try to avoid the nausea that is slowly waving over me. A little while later the 'nice guy' comes in and says, 'honey, I made the bed for you... you can go get back in it.' Oh was I ever thankful for that.

I go get in bed and Vixen and I stay there talking and watching movies most of the day. She is concerned for me because that night I would be seeing DJ for the first time since the night of hell.

So, we had our Christmas shin-dig at another friends house where I honestly ruled the beer pong tournament. Honestly, I won 6 of 7 games. And I lost the last one I played, I think it was because I was still standing to even play it. Anyways, about haflway through the night the 'boys' show up. It was so strange. That is all I can say. I was fine with it, but it was weird. He wished me a happy birthday and talked for a bit. The next thing I know I am standing on the back porch, his arm around me not leting go and gently rubbing my side. 'I love your hair, you look beautiful." Can I call a bullshit? That is what I wanted to say, I had just won six games of beer pong I was definatly not beautiful, but whatever. We talked for a bit then everyone started to leave. He wanted to stay to play more beerpong but his ride was leaving and I wasn't about to personally ask him to stay. Sorry, not even going to attempt that road again. I don't know. I think I was just so hurt by the actions that were taken the last time I saw him that I didn't know what to do or say. The more my drunken state became I was madder at myself for not being at least a little bothered than anything. It's like nothing really even happened... like it was six months ago all over again.

I swore this would not be about all of that so I am going to finalize that portion with this: I miss my friend more than I could ever say. I miss the one person I was completely honest with no matter what the subject. I miss crazy ass phone conversations in the middle of the night as we discussed musical lyrics and remakes. And yes, it hurt more than I thought it would but I am very happy to see that he is doing well.

Now, Sunday we went shopping. This is always good. I like to shop. My credit card will hate me. We had fun though! Vixen found her New Years outift and I bought lingeree and make-up. Hmm... intersting if I do say so myself. After dropping them off at their respective areas I had to drive the hour and a half drive back home. I was exausted when I got home but managed to start my New Moon book that I had received at the work Christmas party on Friday. It is good, but as I said before I haven't made it very far.

After throwing a party at work this evening I headed to the funeral home--which is something I hate to do. I don't want to talk about the situation but here is the semi-strange portion. Who do I see as I walked in? Oh just the guy I would love to hook up with in my hometown; you know the guy you adore? I know, you shouldn't be getting dates at a funeral home. I didn't. I didn't even get to talk to him but I did send him a message after leaving. We were both polite with the Merry Christmas blah blah stuff. Why doesn't he take a hint?

Sometimes a girl just needs to color.

Like Always

Like always the minute I'm ready to give up on Big he appears to once again throw my life into turmoil. Self-created turmoil, but turmoil none the less... Call it intuition or perhaps my somewhat physic ability to predict the near future but this morning as I sat at my desk I knew I would hear from him today. Then out of boredom I checked my horoscope/lovescope for today and it read:

"The astral aspect at play brings that old touch of magic to love and relationships today. But although it may seem truly fantastic, and as though you have been transported to the seventh heaven or cloud nine, don't presume that this is 'the glorious being' themselves, now arrived to save you from loneliness, boredom, and a freezing cold bed. It could be, but just don't bank on it yet!"

Yep, I thought to myself, I haven't heard from him since Saturday but I'll hear from him today. Sure enough I sat eating diner and from the other room I heard my phone go off signaling the receipt of a new text message. I knew it was from him. I finished eating then retrieved my phone. Sure enough his name was displayed on the screen along with an envelope. I learn he is out of town for work and won't be back till middle of next week.

Not being able to take it anymore! Hating the not knowing feeling that has consumed me the last few days. I become blunt when perhaps I shouldn't be.

Me: "Can I ask you a question?"

Big: "yea"

Me: "Did you really mean your little speech you gave last week?"

Big: "about?"

Me: "lol if you don't remember it, I'll assume it was the beer talking :)"

About? About? He quoted the effing Notebook for crying out loud! What the freak does he mean about? I shake my head. I truly am a hopeless romantic. Of course I want it to be like a scene in a movie where he tells me of course he meant it. Or at least knows what I'm talking about. Is that to much to ask for?? Once again I blame Disney and all those movies that lead girls to believe that such things do exist. Pish. Those guys don't exist.

I have to give it to Big though, he can be good with the words when he wants to be..... When will I ever learn?

Just Enough Rope

I. Can't. Sleep. I lay in the darkness waiting for sleep to come. I toss and turn, so many thoughts running thru my head. In silent desperation I feel the need to write. I feel the need to just get it out. I reach for the lamp on my nightstand and in one swift motion switch it on. Light floods the room. At the end of the bed a sleepy terrier blinks slightly annoyed that the darkness of night has been broken. Apparently I was the only one having trouble falling asleep. I retrieve my laptop, flip it open and press the power button. As I wait for it boot up I stare listlessly at the screen. Perhaps searching for answers to questions I have yet to ask aloud. Frustration seeps from my finger tips as I log in and start to type. Why do I let him do this to me? Why do I let him get to me?

It's been a week since the "Big" speech. Have I heard from?........ Well yes. But not in the way I expected I guess. I haven't heard from him since Saturday. I hate to admit it but I guess I was right. Some things never change. Oh how I longed to be wrong this time. Do I really think things will ever work out... No not really. But I'd like to give it a shot that way I will know once and for all perhaps.

I swear he has me on a radar. Every time my life starts going good and I'm at the point where I let him go it's like his radar goes off. Letting him know that I'm moving on. Then with sugar coated words he reels me back in. He gives me just enough rope..... just enough rope to keep from drowning but not quite enough to go ahead and hang myself. I still don't understand it. I mean he sounded so sincere.... this time the words didn't feel empty. This time the words had been laced with thought and feeling. Perhaps I am not the only one evolving. With time he has learned he has to step up his game to keep me hanging on. What is the point of it all though? I shake my head trying to clear it of all these thoughts. I'm so tired of letting him get to me like this. I'm tired of wasting my time thinking about him and the motives behind his actions. I need to let go. Throw the rope back, maybe I'm secretly afraid to let go. Cause I know that at the other end of that rope is my safety net. I'm tired of being the winner though at this loosing game. Maybe I do need to gather the courage to throw the rope back..... but what if I drown?

So, I think I just lost my undies and my mind!

(Okay, I read over this before I even posted it--sorry if I sound like a complete witch--just a bad day! Needed to vent!)

It has been a while since I've been able to write--sorry! I know that all of my loyal fans have been wondering where in the world I've been, lol. Visiting E, what a surprise! So, I feel it is time to back track a bit.

Labor Day Weekend.

Honestly, I don't even remember what all happened that weekend! I am pretty sure that on that Friday night we hit the bars, Saturday we hit the bars, Sunday the lake, Monday Vixen's and Tuesday hell mountain.

Let's just say that by Sunday we had to take a break and go to the lake. It had been a wild weekend. Full of crazy madness!

Friday night we met up with the boys for a bit, then left them. In the meantime E, Blondie and I rode an Electric bull! How crazy is that? Not all three at the same time, two at a time thank you! It was rather funny. First of all I don't know exactly HOW we ended up at that bar, muchless on the bull! Next thing I know I've lost my sunglasses, been recognized by someone I went to high school with (NEVER a good thing by my standards), and ran a bit of interference for E and Mr. Big. Yeah, you read that right. What comes around, goes around then comes back--sometimes to haunt your ass.

Saturday I got drug to watch a college team that I really do not care for, I mean--I bleed orange! So yeah, E, Blondie, and the boys (Mr. Big and Don Juan) headed south to see the game... we were joined by half of the freakin' town. Always interseting. It was thought by some that aparantly I have a thing going on with Blondie's ex, so NOT the case by the way. Could have went there, didn't--thank you! Next thing I know we are all back at our favorite bar in town which I will call SR's. Fun times! Things got a bit nuts from there. Crazy nuts! I had way too many jager bombs, flirted a bit too much, honesty leaked. The general not so good drunken thoughts rambled. Next thing I know we have shut down the bar and I am standing in the parking lot with Don Juan. Yeah, always an intersting thing. Blondie had already 'found religion' that night but E decided to try to talk Mr. Big into coming home with her. So, anyways... Don Juan and I are standing in the parking lot and talking. He is standing too close, that close that makes you want to taste the liquor on his lips. Momentarily I did--then his damn phone went off. (I am going to shove that thing up someone's ass very soon. Mind you that story is coming.) So, we talked for a moment about randomness, he was ready to 'go home' which made me quite happy. I mean, it has been forever.... too long persoanlly, but that is one of those 'what if I do' moments within itself. Anyways, by this point Mr. Big has said he is staying, as Don Juan and I walk up to the front of the bar they are now standing at he tells Don Juan he is staying and asks if he is doing the same. Well, they are hooked at the hip, so Don Juan decides to stay as well--though I'm sure the text messages he's been getting didn't hurt that any. On to later that night, E takes my car to go get Mr. Big who has just dodged a deer. Ah, the drama.

The next morning we girls decide to head into town to get some grub. Well, who do we see on the side of the road, out of gas, but the text messaging buddy to whom I will call qwitch. (Oh, I of all people can call her this--don't you dare say I'm not being nice. No one knows that whole story.) Great times are had as E texts Don Juan and tells him that his 'friend' might need some help. Well, oh hell--he doesn't have a car at his house. Damn.

So after thinking that we should all know better-but knowing we don't, we continue with our day. Talking about life, love and the lack of--but this time while we're at the lake. This is a great life mind you. We drink, lay at the lake, and generally only have issues with stupid boys.

So, on to Monday. While E was at work I cooked items for the cookout at Vixen's house for Labor Day. Always an intersting day there! Well, in the meantime I decide to go take the tops out of my car. Well, my intentions were GREAT. The keys were locked in it. I tried clothes hangers, looking for a hidden key--nothing. So I decide that before I call E or Blondie, whom I am supposed to be meeting before we go to Vixen's I will try to call the boys. Yeah, they just asked what was wrong--no offering to help, nothing. Does this tell you anything? It should have told me. So, Blondie comes to get me... we go south, meet the families-I progress to drinking two glasses of wine and then it goes downhill. I was saying some CRAZY stuff! Yeah, me crazy! HAHA So we get back to the house and it is just E and I. Fun times! All I said was 'he needs to put his big boy panties on, or off, and..." Well you get the picture. A month? A month? *#$%ing cell phone. So, E decides that Fire Guy should come over... well, I told her to tell him to. I wanted to watch my boys win the game and I was in a GREAT mood! Fire Guy gets my car unlocked. ROCK ON! Brownie points so earned for that! Now, his dissing of my team might have totally canceled that out... oh well! :)

Tuesday was the most intersting. I've never lost my underware and couldn't find them, but it happened! E and I were sitting around thinking that NOTHING was going on that evening then her religion (Mr. Big) decided she need to find him--so he sent her a message. Next thing I know we are headed over to their house, he and Don Juan are roomies. Intersting. We laughed until we cried. Called each other out on crazy stuff--and were generally having a great time. Next thing I know we are on top of the world laughing and loosing things. It was interseting. I still have scrapes and bruises that I can't explain. Well, I could--but not to anyone I know.

While E and the other boys were off doin their own separate things Don Juan kissed me and more. It felt so good to feel his lips on mine. I felt needed, wanted, and much more. Things were going great--then his phone rang. My heart sank. I knew it was qwitch. He gave her directions. Then he kissed me again, as I tried to put myself and my clothes back together he kept dismantling them. Explain to me why the hell he would kiss me, make out, more--remove items, when he knew she was on her way there? While she was walking up the steps. She had to have seen.

Am I that much of a whore? That's exactly what I felt like. A complete slut. Maybe I am, I know I'm being used but I can't say no to him. Or, am I being used? I've never said anything about it. I've always just went along with it because I'm afraid if I say anything then the friendship and everything else will be over. To live with the BS or life without a friend, that is the delima.

Well, on to what happened. He left with her as we went on somewhere else. After making our next round we went back to his house. I refused to go in; not even to get the car keys to leave. It hurt too much to know that the lights were off--the music was up, the mood lights were on... I've been there. I honestly thought I would be there that night. I needed to be. This whole situation is doing nothing for any bit of self esteem I might have ever had. I left E there and went to her house. I didn't sleep at all. No sleep and a long drive with work afterwards are not a good combination.

Last week I was so pissed. It hurt, as his friend I thought I reserved more respect than that. Makes you wonder if you were ever friends to begin with. And no, I don't mean to be rude... and I do think we are friends. But it hurt. It still does--I guess.

Friday

There's something about Friday... something in the air you can actually feel. Every one's nicer, the day hopefully passes more quickly and the promise of a fun weekend is knocking at your door. Well at least at mine. Because with my new "go get it" attitude I'm determined me and my girls are going to have a good weekend! Tonight I'm loading my horse on the trailer and going barrel racing. Ah a night at the horse shows equals a perfect night for me. I mentioned it to Big but you know this is almost a part of my life I would like to keep separate. You know my thing. What makes me happy; win or lose. Is that selfish? Part of me would like to invite him, but then I'd have to deal with him all night and not get to concentrate on myself having fun? Is that selfish? Well if so it's about time I'm being a little selfish!

To Date Or Not To Date?

To date or not to date that is the question. And I'm probably putting the cart before the horse but I always like to be prepared. So I asked Big about dating other people. For details check my other post ~ So after going around and around in circles he says it's ok to go on a date with someone else. Did he act like he meant it no. So to date or not to date? I mean do I take the risk of losing Big by going on a date? Or waste my time on Big by not going on date? I don't know why I'm asking these questions. Chances are its not something I'll have to worry about in the near future. But it is my "what if" of the day. Damn Big.

Our Day Thus Far

So during the day while Vivi and myself are at work we tend to text or email back and forth during downtime. I thought today's email would be a good post for today. I thought it was good for a laugh. Of course names have been changed :)

From Vivi:
Texting is not working for me today so I thought I'd just e-mail ya.

He should have at least said something back last night. They are so freaking confusing! He had no right just to leave it hanging. (Can you tell I'm fixing to let my frustration out on him?) He should know that by doing that he is going to make it harder for you to ever trust him in the future... friends or more.

Now, as for why he didn't reply? It was rather lateish whenever you sent it. He could have went to sleep, been playing some sort of game or something. You know me, I always try to think the best. Sometimes that's hard though. Now, do you think I pushed too hard? WHY IS HE NOT REPLYING? It was sooo innocent too. Oh well, I just don't want to loose the friendship too. I mean, come on now. I'm NOT CRAZY. lol

So yeah, back to tourism and pr.

My Response in which Vivi replied under each number in green
1.Big - I agree he should have replied (today is day 1 of freeze out - see blog lol) but it wasn't that late it was only 10 last week when he sent me a message it was like 11. Next time we are alone I'm going to say something along the lines of benefits are great - the friends part needs some work - and this isn't a one way street. I mean if he wouldn't have replied the 1st time that would be one thing but why reply to one and not the next? Just pisses me off!!
Freeze you aye? Well good luck with that one. I know you better than that and I know him. I bet you get a message tomorrow night when we are doing girls night or something. Yep, leave it up to them to screw things up.

2.Don Juan ~ another pain in my ass! lol yes your text was innocent and he should have replied. He may have been busy at work. I think if you haven't talked to him by next week you need to send a msg saying you don't want to be like Clingy Chick and you don't want things to be weird and that you can still be friends without him freaking out that your trying to tie him down.
LOL, another pain? tell me about it. I just don't get it. Earlier in times when he wanted to do stuff he was all about it. Now when I send stuff--whatever. I will leave him alone and I will never bring up that I know how he felt about her but eventually I might have to stay that I want the friendship to keep going. I'm not saying that I want to hang out with him and some other girl on the weekends but we should still be able to be friends. Also, this is my weekend! LOL I feel like this is a custody thing. hahah not really, but two weeks? Come on now!

3. Blog - you started it ~ write on it! lol I can't keep up 2 on my own and if our lives don't get more interesting soon I'm going to have to start making up stuff! lol
I will but honey I just don't have time! I can't do it at work and when I get off I've been busy this week. Tonight is lions and merchants and packing... but I will try to come up with something interesting... even though my life is defiantly not interesting at this point.

4.Have a good day
You too! I'm going to have lunch with someone from ______ Power in a few.
5. Another quote that made me laugh:
Miranda: Who is this Amalita Amalfi character anyway? I'm concerned that you've been drafted into a ring of high-class hookers.
Carrie: She isn't a hooker. She's... she's like an international party girl.
Miranda: She's a hooker with a passport.

GREAT quote.. love that one. It is very true!!!