I should be reading New Moon!

Okay, so yes. I am one of those people. I have become addicted to the Twilight series. Sorry, but I want to be a Vampire. I can say this because I have only just started the second book, but I hear it gets tough from here to decide how you feel about vampires. Well, as long as I'm not dreaming about them as another friend is... I will deal.

Now on to the real story.

So I went to visit E this past weekend to celebrate the 25 mark. It was a lot of fun! I really didn't know what to expect when I got there but it was really great. She and Vixen were waiting on me to arrive so that we could start their planned adventure. I opened my gifts, a beautiful note set for my desk and an adorable photo frame from E and a 'Motorboat' shirt from Vixen. (A long story mind you.) We laughed at the cards and I told them about my horrible day.

I felt aweful that I just wasn't in the mood to dance when I first got there but a friend had been brutally gunned down that morning. Those things don't happen where I live. It was so hard to think about. But, they listened and I fixed a drink. The next thing I knew we were getting ready to go out and I was putting on my new Bare Minerals Rock Star Eyes. I love it!

So, we get ready and we head south. At this point I know that E has invited Big to go with us... I am drinking... let's celebrate! Well, I also didn't know it was supposed to be a girls night per Vixen. That's where it got interesting. Oh well, so we go eat and I am shocked to see lots of my friends there. It makes you feel great to know that people actually care about you too. We had fun, too many drinks and laughed the evening away. Soon it was time for us to head even further south and to the club. Always fun. By this point the boys have met up with us and they are going on to the club. Fun!

The next thing I knew I was on the dance floor a bit tipsy. I know that there is drama going on but I am really trying to stay out of. So... I met this guy from closer to my hometown... he bought me a Jack and Coke and we danced. Ah, how nice it is to dance with a random scumpcious smelling stranger. :) So we had fun and then it was time to go. E said she was going to stay with another girlfriend who met us at the club so Vixen and I decided to head back north. Realize, I was a bit... good to go... by this point. "It's my BIRTHDAY!"

So, Vixen and I hit up the gas station and head out. We get to the house very late and I have to move E's car. I did it is all I can say! Me and Vixen's size six flip flops; I wear a size 10 btw. So anyways. We talked even more than we had in the car. She and her fience had broken up the week before so we knew he would be there very early the next morning to get his stuff... and he was.

He got there at 8am. Okay, really? The hung-over girl did not need this. Thankfully another friend was with him and they decided to start on the bottom floor and leave the bed we were sleeping in til last. At this point I felt horrible that I wasn't consoling Vixen but honestly, I would have been puking not talking. So, after a while it is time for me to migrate to the couch. So, I, in a snug white t-shirt and pj pants head off... only to see about five guys in the living room. Great, should have left that bra on. Anyways, I lay down on the couch and try to avoid the nausea that is slowly waving over me. A little while later the 'nice guy' comes in and says, 'honey, I made the bed for you... you can go get back in it.' Oh was I ever thankful for that.

I go get in bed and Vixen and I stay there talking and watching movies most of the day. She is concerned for me because that night I would be seeing DJ for the first time since the night of hell.

So, we had our Christmas shin-dig at another friends house where I honestly ruled the beer pong tournament. Honestly, I won 6 of 7 games. And I lost the last one I played, I think it was because I was still standing to even play it. Anyways, about haflway through the night the 'boys' show up. It was so strange. That is all I can say. I was fine with it, but it was weird. He wished me a happy birthday and talked for a bit. The next thing I know I am standing on the back porch, his arm around me not leting go and gently rubbing my side. 'I love your hair, you look beautiful." Can I call a bullshit? That is what I wanted to say, I had just won six games of beer pong I was definatly not beautiful, but whatever. We talked for a bit then everyone started to leave. He wanted to stay to play more beerpong but his ride was leaving and I wasn't about to personally ask him to stay. Sorry, not even going to attempt that road again. I don't know. I think I was just so hurt by the actions that were taken the last time I saw him that I didn't know what to do or say. The more my drunken state became I was madder at myself for not being at least a little bothered than anything. It's like nothing really even happened... like it was six months ago all over again.

I swore this would not be about all of that so I am going to finalize that portion with this: I miss my friend more than I could ever say. I miss the one person I was completely honest with no matter what the subject. I miss crazy ass phone conversations in the middle of the night as we discussed musical lyrics and remakes. And yes, it hurt more than I thought it would but I am very happy to see that he is doing well.

Now, Sunday we went shopping. This is always good. I like to shop. My credit card will hate me. We had fun though! Vixen found her New Years outift and I bought lingeree and make-up. Hmm... intersting if I do say so myself. After dropping them off at their respective areas I had to drive the hour and a half drive back home. I was exausted when I got home but managed to start my New Moon book that I had received at the work Christmas party on Friday. It is good, but as I said before I haven't made it very far.

After throwing a party at work this evening I headed to the funeral home--which is something I hate to do. I don't want to talk about the situation but here is the semi-strange portion. Who do I see as I walked in? Oh just the guy I would love to hook up with in my hometown; you know the guy you adore? I know, you shouldn't be getting dates at a funeral home. I didn't. I didn't even get to talk to him but I did send him a message after leaving. We were both polite with the Merry Christmas blah blah stuff. Why doesn't he take a hint?

Sometimes a girl just needs to color.

Put your feet up on a road where you've never been

What do you do when you realize that you are scared? That you are truly afraid of what the future holds because things are so up in the air? Nothing really. Well, not so much.

I guess what I mean is that this isn't where I thought I would be less than a month to 25. I thought I would have a career I really wanted, be dating someone (if not married) who really loved me and wanted to spend the holidays with me, and be living on my own or with that special someone. But, thus there is none of the above.

The career I have is not the one I wanted. It is not something I want to do forever. I almost feel like I am taking a promotion because it is the next step. It is what is expected from someone in my situation. Everyone else seems to think it is a great fit but I'm a bit afraid. I know I can do it... but I think it will make me miserable in the process. What can I do about it? Nothing, it has already been announced and people are expecting it. I guess it makes it harder when your friends are sending you resumes for the position. Great.

Being with someone would be great. I am so f'in tired of going to things along. Thanksgiving sucked because I kept being asked where 'he' was. I don't even know who 'he' is much less where the heck he is! Come on now! It is always the same thing this time of year though. I hate it. I thought things would be different. But, I suck. Yeah, I do. I don't do relationships. I wish I knew how. I thought I had picked up on that, but apparently not.

All day on Thanksgiving I kept wondering what if? What if things were different. It would be nice for once for the questions not to be 'who is,' 'where is,' 'why not.' It would have been great. Oh well, just more to look forward to at Christmas. Yeah, it will be much worse then. I will be in a horrible mood because I will be alone. Riding in my parents car to my grandparents houses. NO! I will drive alone if I have to! I don't want to wake up alone in my parents house on Christmas. I want to be loved... cared for. I want someone to want ME. I am so sick of wanting something that I apparently can't have or doesn't exist. I thought it did; Disney should be sued for making us think that there is a happily ever after. There isn't! Everyone keeps saying that soon I will meet someone. BULLSHIT! I've been trapped in the same hell for years. Nothing changes.

So yes, in a little over two weeks I will be 25. Half-way to fifty. Everyone knows I hate my birthday. I hate it. There is no reason for me to like it. Yeah, I find tons of stuff to do the week before and the week after but that's only so I don't cry all evening, mind you I still cry myself to sleep. Either that or I have drank too much to be able to think about crying. Why do I feel like this? Again, because I am alone. Friends go a long way, but not long enough. They try to make you feel better when honestly all you want to say is 'I want to be loved, I want someone to really love me for once.' But no, life goes on and you have to listen to how bad their guy sucks when you are thinking how lucky they are to have him. Yes, LUCKY. I know many people who have never had to deal with being alone. Well, after so many years you are left behind. You don't know how to let anyone in. Guys begin to look at you like you are crazy for even being interested. Yeah, the skinny, laughing, cute girls get whatever they want whenever they want it just for those reasons. Those reasons SUCK. It is not flipin fair. I can go out and not be hit on once. Yeah, I'm that girl-the average girl who has the job, car, circumstances that you would think men would like--but hell to the no.

Oh yeah, everyone that is an aquantiance thinks I'm married. Well that fake smile must great magic tricks. I'm tired of smiling. I just want to say I don't care about your wedding right now! This is not the time of year for me to be happy go lucky. (Did I mention I am cooking for a bridal shower I am throwing tomorrow night? Yeah, not thrilled. Listening to the radio then I heard a song that reminded me of him. You know him, we all have a 'him.' I marched right over to that controller with my sticky nasty food fingers and turned it. Screw it, a new mouse is worth not having those flashbacks.)


I am just so tired of putting on the happy smile. I don't know why I decided to write this rant... but it came out. I had a great weekend and I should have been writing about that... some random concert with friends, screaming it was my birthday, dancing like a crazy person, laughing like nothing else mattered, seeing baseball players that I didn't even know who they were, music from 1996, a college football game in the freezing cold rain, hearing my friends new husband actually talk and then crack us up, Twilight. Yeah, it was a great weekend! The kind I really live for. Because most of the time then I don't have to think about the fact that I don't want to go home alone. But there is always that moment when you realize that you are single and that you are alone and there is nothing that anyone can do about it.

So what do you do when you find yourself in this position? Some friend say go out and meet someone. Where? A bar? Okay. It doesn't work that way. I know patience is a virtue, but it is one I do not possess. I just want things to be different this holiday season. I don't want to be alone anymore.

Every time you use it _______.

So I really think I may be becoming that old Vivi. The one who worked all the time and lost friends because of it. After speaking with one of my best friends I realized that I was definatly reverting.

I say this because it is hard for me to go from authoratative boss to friend. I can't sugar coat anything and don't really care to. I don't have time for the b.s. And I really don't want to be that way. I find myself being way too stern and to the point. The last thing I want to do is to hurt the people who mean the most to me.

Now-on to where this kind of all came from. Anyone who knows me well knows thay I HATE my birthday. I hate the fact that it is in December and it always causes drama.

I did find out today that two of my aunts and my cousin and I are going to a Broadway Musical the Friday before I am halfway to 50. Funny how we start doing 'older' things! Anyway, so this is something I really wanted to do and my friends kind of vetoed it because of the holidays. Okay, resort to the family. It will be fun! They are already planning dinner reservations and where to party afterwards! :)

So, the friends are now asking me when and what I want to do. I really don't know. I am doing the thing I really wanted to go do with the family-so whatever we do as friends is a bonus. Though, it is the holidays and everyone wants to come but there are Christmas parties and other functuons to contest with. But sometimes you want to be selfish and say-this is my day. Oh well, that's not me. I want to please everyone so I will do whatever they want to do. I want to spend time with them-but too many factors.

Another factor? I really don't want to be 'alone' on my birthday. I mean that I don't want to be single but I always am, so I should be used to it. I suck at relationships. Hell, I'm not even a good friend right now muchless a girlfriend. I don't know how to do relationships and don't want to learn. Oh well, I guess I get to be the single one sleeping alone on my birthday. Yay. ::oozing sarchasm::

And no-i'm not going to lower what I want in life for one event in my life. If someone doesn't think I'm worth it then neither are they.

The whole 'where I thought I would be at 25' thing is a totally different blog-to be done at a computer not from my BlackBerry in bed.

Ah, some things never change.

So it's been over a week since I've written. Between house sitting at a house that has no internet, computer issues in which I had to download Mozilla, and work that is crazy now is the first time I've had to really catch up! So sorry, this might be a long one!

When I posted last it was right before the hella Halloween party! It was a weekend! The night before the party I met up with Blondie and hung out with her and her boyfriend at his house. Very interesting. He is a nice guy but there is always something telling about age differences. Not to say that I am old, but maybe I'm getting there!

The next evening was the HALLOWEEN PARTY! It was great! We started out at one place then decided to road trip it to the neighbors. Fantastic times! It was great to get to see everyone and catch up with old friends! It was also wonderful to meet new people! I love talking to new people and just getting to know them. E tried to get me to hook up with a friend of a friend--sorry E, I slept alone! LOL It was a great night all in all! When we got back to the original party pad very late I was a bit taken aback by what I saw just because I wasn't warned. Oh well though, ignorance can be bliss I guess. The rest of the evening was fun. We laughed and joked. The next day we were all a bit hungover and tried to remember everything that had happened the night before!

Big news... my boss is engaged! Yes, this means major changes for me at work and I'm not sure exactly what that means either! Oh well. Right now it is one of those what do I do now type thing. So not only do I not know what is going to happen there or who I might be working for I am planning her bridal shower! Oh, and I think the wedding is out of town. WAHOO! haha not really! It is going to be expensive!

Over this past weekend I got to see my new baby cousin. He is three weeks old and absolutely adorable. Makes me want one, I think. Sometimes just holding a baby makes you think you really need one. That motherly instinct kicks in and there is nothing that you can do about it. I really am not generally the mother type but maybe? Ah, hell-I can't even keep a guy around long enough for a real date muchless to be a father!

So Halloween night kinda sucked. After seeing the baby I cooked dinner, fixed myself a Crown and Coke and waited for friends to arrive. A couple. It was fine... but it is horrible being alone. It makes you bitter. It would be great to have someone there to hold you when you scream in the middle of a scary movie.

Saturday I had a community club event to attend. Great. Just another reason to remind me that I am single and have no life. Yeah, and I got pulled over as I pulled into the parking lot. Ah, what a weekend. Just pour some salt in my wounds.

Now it is Monday evening and I'm sitting here doing nothing. I'm going to get up and go to the gym in the morning. It is time to start over... loosing two sizes by my birthday is possible and I am determined. I've always struggled with my weight and now is the time to struggle it off! I have nothing else to do that is really important in my life right now so I think this is the best thing for me to do. Maybe when I get pissed I can just run it off!