Put your feet up on a road where you've never been

What do you do when you realize that you are scared? That you are truly afraid of what the future holds because things are so up in the air? Nothing really. Well, not so much.

I guess what I mean is that this isn't where I thought I would be less than a month to 25. I thought I would have a career I really wanted, be dating someone (if not married) who really loved me and wanted to spend the holidays with me, and be living on my own or with that special someone. But, thus there is none of the above.

The career I have is not the one I wanted. It is not something I want to do forever. I almost feel like I am taking a promotion because it is the next step. It is what is expected from someone in my situation. Everyone else seems to think it is a great fit but I'm a bit afraid. I know I can do it... but I think it will make me miserable in the process. What can I do about it? Nothing, it has already been announced and people are expecting it. I guess it makes it harder when your friends are sending you resumes for the position. Great.

Being with someone would be great. I am so f'in tired of going to things along. Thanksgiving sucked because I kept being asked where 'he' was. I don't even know who 'he' is much less where the heck he is! Come on now! It is always the same thing this time of year though. I hate it. I thought things would be different. But, I suck. Yeah, I do. I don't do relationships. I wish I knew how. I thought I had picked up on that, but apparently not.

All day on Thanksgiving I kept wondering what if? What if things were different. It would be nice for once for the questions not to be 'who is,' 'where is,' 'why not.' It would have been great. Oh well, just more to look forward to at Christmas. Yeah, it will be much worse then. I will be in a horrible mood because I will be alone. Riding in my parents car to my grandparents houses. NO! I will drive alone if I have to! I don't want to wake up alone in my parents house on Christmas. I want to be loved... cared for. I want someone to want ME. I am so sick of wanting something that I apparently can't have or doesn't exist. I thought it did; Disney should be sued for making us think that there is a happily ever after. There isn't! Everyone keeps saying that soon I will meet someone. BULLSHIT! I've been trapped in the same hell for years. Nothing changes.

So yes, in a little over two weeks I will be 25. Half-way to fifty. Everyone knows I hate my birthday. I hate it. There is no reason for me to like it. Yeah, I find tons of stuff to do the week before and the week after but that's only so I don't cry all evening, mind you I still cry myself to sleep. Either that or I have drank too much to be able to think about crying. Why do I feel like this? Again, because I am alone. Friends go a long way, but not long enough. They try to make you feel better when honestly all you want to say is 'I want to be loved, I want someone to really love me for once.' But no, life goes on and you have to listen to how bad their guy sucks when you are thinking how lucky they are to have him. Yes, LUCKY. I know many people who have never had to deal with being alone. Well, after so many years you are left behind. You don't know how to let anyone in. Guys begin to look at you like you are crazy for even being interested. Yeah, the skinny, laughing, cute girls get whatever they want whenever they want it just for those reasons. Those reasons SUCK. It is not flipin fair. I can go out and not be hit on once. Yeah, I'm that girl-the average girl who has the job, car, circumstances that you would think men would like--but hell to the no.

Oh yeah, everyone that is an aquantiance thinks I'm married. Well that fake smile must great magic tricks. I'm tired of smiling. I just want to say I don't care about your wedding right now! This is not the time of year for me to be happy go lucky. (Did I mention I am cooking for a bridal shower I am throwing tomorrow night? Yeah, not thrilled. Listening to the radio then I heard a song that reminded me of him. You know him, we all have a 'him.' I marched right over to that controller with my sticky nasty food fingers and turned it. Screw it, a new mouse is worth not having those flashbacks.)


I am just so tired of putting on the happy smile. I don't know why I decided to write this rant... but it came out. I had a great weekend and I should have been writing about that... some random concert with friends, screaming it was my birthday, dancing like a crazy person, laughing like nothing else mattered, seeing baseball players that I didn't even know who they were, music from 1996, a college football game in the freezing cold rain, hearing my friends new husband actually talk and then crack us up, Twilight. Yeah, it was a great weekend! The kind I really live for. Because most of the time then I don't have to think about the fact that I don't want to go home alone. But there is always that moment when you realize that you are single and that you are alone and there is nothing that anyone can do about it.

So what do you do when you find yourself in this position? Some friend say go out and meet someone. Where? A bar? Okay. It doesn't work that way. I know patience is a virtue, but it is one I do not possess. I just want things to be different this holiday season. I don't want to be alone anymore.