Dream Walkin'

So, have you ever had a dream that seemed all to real? I did last night. Let me share.

The dream begins where one left off a few weeks ago. In that dream it was very strange, I was at a party with all of my friends from E's hometown. It was someone's engagement party but I couldn't figure out whose it was. EVERYONE was getting along great; when I woke up this was an issue because having all of those people together would be like oil and vinegar. So, in this dream is is summer. We are all just hanging out by the lake having a great time. Later that evening there is a bonfire at a friends house and a pool. It is strange. Exs are there, but we are all laughing like nothing was ever wrong. Don Juan is there, we are talking and laughing. E's ex is there and they are getting along. Vixen, Blondie, Giggles. They are all there with there ex's not far away. It was just strange. We ate, swam... made smores. Needless to say I woke up wondering what I had drank the night before to make me have such a weird, strange, unbelievable dream.

So last night I go to bed after half a bottle of wine and dream. I dream that I am in this wedding dress trying to figure out 1-why my maid of honor isn't making me wake up and run and 2- how the hell am I going to use the bathroom before I walk down the aisle. So I finally use the restroom and come out into this cabin type atmosphere where all of my friends are. ALL of them are there. Ones from my hometown, E's, up north... that part was great. I hear a little winning and I look at the beautiful little girl looking up at me with her arms outreached. She looks to be about six months old. She is beautiful, baby blue eyes, peachy skin and the most adorable smile- her father's. I pick her up and proceed to talk to Vixen who is begging me to hand the little girl off as I won't get anything on my dress. I refuse because I want to hold her forever. As the time gets closer I walk through the reception area to where I am going to go outdoors to get married. At this point I still didn't know who I was going to be marrying. I give my daughter to E and wait to walk out of the doors. I watch E, Colby and Vixen walk in front of me, then I hear the music. It's my turn. Now, it isn't Vivaldi or anything typical. Oh no, apparently I do everything a bit differently. I am walking down the aisle to 'Just The Way You Are.' I suddenly look up and see him looking back at me, my heart races, I want to run. I keep thinking that he loves my little girl and that he can take care of us. For some reason I continue to reason with myself and think things such as, the sex is good, he's good to her, he makes good money, my house is nice. I talk myself into it. Wait, I am taking the arm of my daughter's father. Oh shit, he is walking me down the aisle? I am a complete crazy woman. Fine, we walk down the aisle together. Don Juan, the person giving me away, does what the pastor says. He 'gives me' to this man. What? Yes, you're reading right. I look to E who is holding my baby, she is smiling at me. Laughing silently it looks like. Vixen is smiling, she whispers that it will be okay. Fine. Maybe. I turn back to my future husband. He looks so happy. How could I run? I imagine kicking off my heals and hauling ass. Fine, I'll do it.

The dream skips.

It is the reception. I am dancing with everyone. Everyone's exes it looks like. It was good though, I was happy. I keep an eye on my little girl in my husband's arm as he twirls her around the dance floor. He really looks like he loves her. For that reason I justify I love him. The girls kidnap me for a moment, time to get ready to go. I begin to cry. They tell me to suck it up. I laugh and do as I'm told. This time I make all of them help me use the restroom. I tell Blondie this is payback. Colby is laughing at all of us because she doesn't know anyone that well. She walks out and comes back with my little girl. She is falling asleep. I take her and hold her, telling her it will all be okay. My husband comes in and states that it is time to go. I try to hide the tears as we walk towards the door, my child still in my arms. As we get to the door, her father is standing there waiting to take her from me. I cry more noticeably. My husband gently takes her out of my arms and assures me that in two weeks she will be back in my arms. It about kills me. I had her to Don Juan and threaten his life. I distinctly remember telling him that no 'white trash hussies' are to be near my daughter. I look over to Blondie and tell her to make sure there are none. She laughs and pinky swears. My husband smiles at me as he wipes my tears with his thumbs. "I love you." he says as he takes my hand and we run through millions of rose petals towards the limo waiting for us in the drive.

So, yes. Someone save me from that! I was about to freak out when I woke up from that one. First, I never thought I would wear white. Secondly, a baby? With Don Juan? Who did I marry you ask. Someone I don't think I've ever mentioned in this blog... I will call him Jack. So is this my fate? I think I just need to lay off the red wine.

I should be reading New Moon!

Okay, so yes. I am one of those people. I have become addicted to the Twilight series. Sorry, but I want to be a Vampire. I can say this because I have only just started the second book, but I hear it gets tough from here to decide how you feel about vampires. Well, as long as I'm not dreaming about them as another friend is... I will deal.

Now on to the real story.

So I went to visit E this past weekend to celebrate the 25 mark. It was a lot of fun! I really didn't know what to expect when I got there but it was really great. She and Vixen were waiting on me to arrive so that we could start their planned adventure. I opened my gifts, a beautiful note set for my desk and an adorable photo frame from E and a 'Motorboat' shirt from Vixen. (A long story mind you.) We laughed at the cards and I told them about my horrible day.

I felt aweful that I just wasn't in the mood to dance when I first got there but a friend had been brutally gunned down that morning. Those things don't happen where I live. It was so hard to think about. But, they listened and I fixed a drink. The next thing I knew we were getting ready to go out and I was putting on my new Bare Minerals Rock Star Eyes. I love it!

So, we get ready and we head south. At this point I know that E has invited Big to go with us... I am drinking... let's celebrate! Well, I also didn't know it was supposed to be a girls night per Vixen. That's where it got interesting. Oh well, so we go eat and I am shocked to see lots of my friends there. It makes you feel great to know that people actually care about you too. We had fun, too many drinks and laughed the evening away. Soon it was time for us to head even further south and to the club. Always fun. By this point the boys have met up with us and they are going on to the club. Fun!

The next thing I knew I was on the dance floor a bit tipsy. I know that there is drama going on but I am really trying to stay out of. So... I met this guy from closer to my hometown... he bought me a Jack and Coke and we danced. Ah, how nice it is to dance with a random scumpcious smelling stranger. :) So we had fun and then it was time to go. E said she was going to stay with another girlfriend who met us at the club so Vixen and I decided to head back north. Realize, I was a bit... good to go... by this point. "It's my BIRTHDAY!"

So, Vixen and I hit up the gas station and head out. We get to the house very late and I have to move E's car. I did it is all I can say! Me and Vixen's size six flip flops; I wear a size 10 btw. So anyways. We talked even more than we had in the car. She and her fience had broken up the week before so we knew he would be there very early the next morning to get his stuff... and he was.

He got there at 8am. Okay, really? The hung-over girl did not need this. Thankfully another friend was with him and they decided to start on the bottom floor and leave the bed we were sleeping in til last. At this point I felt horrible that I wasn't consoling Vixen but honestly, I would have been puking not talking. So, after a while it is time for me to migrate to the couch. So, I, in a snug white t-shirt and pj pants head off... only to see about five guys in the living room. Great, should have left that bra on. Anyways, I lay down on the couch and try to avoid the nausea that is slowly waving over me. A little while later the 'nice guy' comes in and says, 'honey, I made the bed for you... you can go get back in it.' Oh was I ever thankful for that.

I go get in bed and Vixen and I stay there talking and watching movies most of the day. She is concerned for me because that night I would be seeing DJ for the first time since the night of hell.

So, we had our Christmas shin-dig at another friends house where I honestly ruled the beer pong tournament. Honestly, I won 6 of 7 games. And I lost the last one I played, I think it was because I was still standing to even play it. Anyways, about haflway through the night the 'boys' show up. It was so strange. That is all I can say. I was fine with it, but it was weird. He wished me a happy birthday and talked for a bit. The next thing I know I am standing on the back porch, his arm around me not leting go and gently rubbing my side. 'I love your hair, you look beautiful." Can I call a bullshit? That is what I wanted to say, I had just won six games of beer pong I was definatly not beautiful, but whatever. We talked for a bit then everyone started to leave. He wanted to stay to play more beerpong but his ride was leaving and I wasn't about to personally ask him to stay. Sorry, not even going to attempt that road again. I don't know. I think I was just so hurt by the actions that were taken the last time I saw him that I didn't know what to do or say. The more my drunken state became I was madder at myself for not being at least a little bothered than anything. It's like nothing really even happened... like it was six months ago all over again.

I swore this would not be about all of that so I am going to finalize that portion with this: I miss my friend more than I could ever say. I miss the one person I was completely honest with no matter what the subject. I miss crazy ass phone conversations in the middle of the night as we discussed musical lyrics and remakes. And yes, it hurt more than I thought it would but I am very happy to see that he is doing well.

Now, Sunday we went shopping. This is always good. I like to shop. My credit card will hate me. We had fun though! Vixen found her New Years outift and I bought lingeree and make-up. Hmm... intersting if I do say so myself. After dropping them off at their respective areas I had to drive the hour and a half drive back home. I was exausted when I got home but managed to start my New Moon book that I had received at the work Christmas party on Friday. It is good, but as I said before I haven't made it very far.

After throwing a party at work this evening I headed to the funeral home--which is something I hate to do. I don't want to talk about the situation but here is the semi-strange portion. Who do I see as I walked in? Oh just the guy I would love to hook up with in my hometown; you know the guy you adore? I know, you shouldn't be getting dates at a funeral home. I didn't. I didn't even get to talk to him but I did send him a message after leaving. We were both polite with the Merry Christmas blah blah stuff. Why doesn't he take a hint?

Sometimes a girl just needs to color.

Hit on at the gas station, seriously?

It's hard to believe that so much time has passed since I started this blog. I've done this sort of thing before, the thing where only one of your friends knows it exists and quite frankly talks you into doing it in the first place, but then you do it and you enjoy it for a while. Then the reality kicks in. You begin to read your old posts and it either makes you sad or makes you angry. IE, you want the good things back or you wish they had never happened. Right now those two items are at a dead tie. Christmas season I suppose.

So, as I am getting gas today this guy walks over towards my car. He is talking on his cell phone. I recognize him from my past and quickly get my phone in order to check in with my next appointment. Okay, I think he is walking away. Wrong, why can't the pumps be faster and instant from your vehicle? I have to speak.

"Hello," I say.

He smiles, "Hey, didn't you go to XXX High School?"

"No," I look away hoping for a savior, "I went to XXX XXX High School."

"Oh, you look very familiar."

I think for a moment and it hits me like a lump of coal upside the head, "I used to work a YYY."

"That's where I know you from! I'm on my way there right now to insure my new truck."

I smile, that is where I am on my way to. "Yeah, that was a long time ago," I say.

He smiles hopefully, "Are you dating anyone?"

Thinking quickly, "Actually yes I am," I say as I totally lie through my teeth.

"Is it serious?"

"Yes." I state matter of factly. "He lives out of town."

He looks disappointed then smiles, "Is it serious."

"Yes, very much so." I say looking down at the ring on my left hand I had placed there when I emptied my car out to take it to the dealership to have repairs made.

He looks ever so slighly, "He wouldn't have to know."

"Sorry," I state, "I don't think he would like that."

"But... I've asked you out several times before and you've always said no."

TAKE THE HINT, goes though my mind. "I'm sorry, he's a great guy and I would never do that."

"Oh!" Thinking fast, "do you go to church anywhere?"

"Yes, I go in XYZ town when I am with him." I say all too convincingly.

He looks away, "My mom, dad and I go to **** church, ever heard of it?"

I nod no.

"Well, if you're ever in town you should come visit. The pastor is in his 20s and is great."

"Thanks for the invitation," I smile backing towards my car door--thanking the heavens that my car is finished guzzling gas.

"It is great to see you, let me know if you're ever single."

"Okay," I smile. "Tell the girls at the insurance office hello."

So, I jump in my car and call my friend I was going to see at the insurance office. "That guy that used to stalk me is coming in, he bought a new truck... please lie for me!" She laughs histarically. "No, you really have to. He will stalk me! He knows where I work! I am in the paper all the time! Please tell my aunt if she asks NOTHING. There is no guy (Here, wishing there was), but he can NOT know that!"

She laughes and tells me to go to her house to get what I need. I avoid him and life is good.

So that is the funny story of the day. The guy that drove me crazy then may put me over the edge today.

Now, to looking back. This all comes full circle when in some aspects I only wish I had something that true to tell someone at Christmas. I wish things were different. I wish, I wish, I wish. Things are never going to change. It is official.

Now, I am going to visit E tomorrow! She Vixen and I will be doing something for my birthday which was earlier in the week. It should be great fun. Now, SHE has some explaining to do I have some "I told you sos" to say! ;)

Ah, some things never change.

So it's been over a week since I've written. Between house sitting at a house that has no internet, computer issues in which I had to download Mozilla, and work that is crazy now is the first time I've had to really catch up! So sorry, this might be a long one!

When I posted last it was right before the hella Halloween party! It was a weekend! The night before the party I met up with Blondie and hung out with her and her boyfriend at his house. Very interesting. He is a nice guy but there is always something telling about age differences. Not to say that I am old, but maybe I'm getting there!

The next evening was the HALLOWEEN PARTY! It was great! We started out at one place then decided to road trip it to the neighbors. Fantastic times! It was great to get to see everyone and catch up with old friends! It was also wonderful to meet new people! I love talking to new people and just getting to know them. E tried to get me to hook up with a friend of a friend--sorry E, I slept alone! LOL It was a great night all in all! When we got back to the original party pad very late I was a bit taken aback by what I saw just because I wasn't warned. Oh well though, ignorance can be bliss I guess. The rest of the evening was fun. We laughed and joked. The next day we were all a bit hungover and tried to remember everything that had happened the night before!

Big news... my boss is engaged! Yes, this means major changes for me at work and I'm not sure exactly what that means either! Oh well. Right now it is one of those what do I do now type thing. So not only do I not know what is going to happen there or who I might be working for I am planning her bridal shower! Oh, and I think the wedding is out of town. WAHOO! haha not really! It is going to be expensive!

Over this past weekend I got to see my new baby cousin. He is three weeks old and absolutely adorable. Makes me want one, I think. Sometimes just holding a baby makes you think you really need one. That motherly instinct kicks in and there is nothing that you can do about it. I really am not generally the mother type but maybe? Ah, hell-I can't even keep a guy around long enough for a real date muchless to be a father!

So Halloween night kinda sucked. After seeing the baby I cooked dinner, fixed myself a Crown and Coke and waited for friends to arrive. A couple. It was fine... but it is horrible being alone. It makes you bitter. It would be great to have someone there to hold you when you scream in the middle of a scary movie.

Saturday I had a community club event to attend. Great. Just another reason to remind me that I am single and have no life. Yeah, and I got pulled over as I pulled into the parking lot. Ah, what a weekend. Just pour some salt in my wounds.

Now it is Monday evening and I'm sitting here doing nothing. I'm going to get up and go to the gym in the morning. It is time to start over... loosing two sizes by my birthday is possible and I am determined. I've always struggled with my weight and now is the time to struggle it off! I have nothing else to do that is really important in my life right now so I think this is the best thing for me to do. Maybe when I get pissed I can just run it off!

So, I thought it was going to be a date, little did I know I would be working.

So about a week ago I come into my office from a lunch meeting. Standing in the hall as I try to get to my office is Office Mom and this semi-cute guy. You all know Office Mom (OM), she is the one that has got your back no matter what. She is going to fight for what is right no matter what and is a ton of fun. In other words, you wish she was your mother. Now, this guy. He was tall, dusty blonde hair, kinda skinny with blue eyes. Oh, did I mention he had on a rival team's shirt? Yeah, great!

Well OM says that she's going to lunch since I had made it back and that she would see me later. I said okay, "I'll call you if the party gets too big here and we need more beer."

She being the fun one just laughs. I notice that the guy is staring at me with one of those, 'is she kidding?' looks. I don't care, I don't know him.

So I continue into my office and sit down then start checking the mass amounts of e-mails that I have collected since I have been out. Yay, the usual.

Well, I hear the end door open and shut and can tell that it is the guy leaving because I hear here still in her office trying to get everything together to go. Well, I hear the front door bell ring and don't even get up to see who it is. I figure if I don't hear anyone in a second I will. Well, I continue to check my e-mail and then I look up.

He is standing there, cute even. 'Ok, what does he want?' I think.

"Ms. (Insert last name), what are you doing for dinner tomorrow night?" he says as he smiles and steps about two steps inside my office.

I am thinking, 'what in the world is going on here? Is he asking me out? Okay... just do it. E always says that I don't take chances with my personal life so here we go.' I lie and state that I have nothing going on.

"Then dinner is tomorrow night at seven," he smiles.

By this point I am CONFUSED. I don't even know his name, never seen him before. He is in the rival team's t-shirt. I've seen his truck and what he is doing there. Does he have a real job or does he just do campaign stuff? What am I thinking?

So I am like, "Okay, what is your name?"

By this time OM is standing behind him laughing. He states to OM, "She thinks I just asked her out on a date."

"That's what it sounded like," OM says. "Not a bad idea either."

At this point I am sitting behind my desk wondering what in the HELL is going on. Should I have told him the truth and said I had another meeting I needed to attend the next night? I lied. No, I just sit there dumbfounded.

He turns back towards me, "Okay it is at seven tomorrow night at the event facility."

"Okay, what is this?" I asked, "And what is your name?"

He ignores the name part. "You will be sitting at the elected official's table. I am trying to fill the table so he will buy it."

"Okay," I say as I wish I could climb under my desk or even better, out the window that is direclty behind me.

"Great," he smiles, "when you get there just tell them who's table you are sitting at and I'll hopefully see you. I'm sitting with another official."

By this time OM has walked away, laughing. And I, well I was ranshacked. I don't know what else to say. I thought I was getting a date out of the deal but apparantly I was going to a work type function banquet for a company that I do business with on a regular basis. Agh!

So, I didn't know what to do. The elected official to whose table I was to be sitting works in the same building I do. He was out of town at the time--but I still didn't know what to do. So, being the person who does what I say I'm going to I agreed to do it. What else was there to do? He smiled, said he would see me the next evening and left.

Well, when the elected offical's assistant got back from lunch I told her what happened. Her words, "Was it the dark headed one or the light headed one?" What? LOL This is how we refer to campaign staff? Great. I tell her and she laughs and wishes me luck.

Well, on to the next day. I had a golf tournament that my company was putting on the day of the event, see my prior blog for info on that one, and so I was hot and tired by the time I got off. I hurry to the dealership, where my car is being fixed, and then come home to get ready to go. I curl my hair, put on a cute dress, hot high heels and run out the door. I'm running late as usual.

When I get the event facility I go in and wait to be seated. As I am in line I see one of my colleagues get in line behind me. Here goes business talk. This lasted for a moment then I was led to my seat by a friend. She was asking me about a Kenny Chesney concert I had attended, what had been going on, and much more. Not a big deal. Well, I go sit down next to a girl at the table.

"Is there anyone sitting here?" I ask.

She smiles, "No."

I notice that she is younger than me. Now, this doesn't happen often at these functions. It is very strange for me. "Great."

We make small talk for some time, "Who invited you?" I ask.

"Matt," she states.

"Matt?" I ask as the guy who asks me walks up to me in a waiters uniform.

"Yeah, that's his name." she laughes.

He comes over and says "hey" then has to keep going on about his business. I am thinking, "so now he's working the event?" I am growing even more confused by the moment.

She and I talk some more, she is also working on the campaign as a college student. Oh my, she's a student. I am getting old here!

Two couples come and sit down who are also in the political realm. I talk to them like I've known them forever. That is what I get paid to do at my real job as I like to call it. Great, I am working. The next thing I know a Pastor sits down. Okay, another element to the conversation So we have 1 Baptist Pastor, 1 couple who works for a elected official at another table, 1 couple who is cororate, myself who works with everyone above, and my newly made friend who works at Outback and goes to college. Intersting topics.

This turns out to be a working banquet, meaning that they talk while you are eating. 'Well, that saves me.' I think. I am tired of talking to people, I've done so all day by this point.

During dinner Matt, again this is his name, fills our drinks and chats occasionally. Well, after we eat and he has cleared our dishes he brings himself a plate out and sits down between the preacher and I. He has on an apron, removes it from around his neck and eats this course. I laugh to begin with because I am so lost. He smiled and laughed as well, "I was hungry." Quickly he gets up and goes back to the kitchen. We sit and watch more of the program which is concerning sex and safe sex pratices. Yes, I am at a banquet that basically concerts reproduction. Great.

I get a little uncomfortable about the topics at one point as they have people come up and testify to their stories about abortion. This is not a dinner topic-just to let you know.

Everyone at the table finally decides to eat desert except for the pastor. Not a big deal. Right. Matt comes back and sits down. He begings to eat his cheese cake, I remind him to take the apron off. He laughs and I can tell the girl next to me is not liking our conversation, oh well--it's innocnet. I mean, they are talking about abortion in front of us. Do you honestly think this is a date? No. Anyways. He eats his cheese cake, looks over at me and winks then takes the pastors chocolate cake and eats it too! I was about to crack up at the faces he was giving. Oh well though, not a date. I'm sitting at a VIP's table... be good Vivi. I kept telling myself that anyways.

Well, Matt stays for the rest of the program. They ask for donations in which I am a sucker, so I gave them a check. (Tax deductible mind you.)

After the program is over I stand and talk to Matt, the girl, and the elected official's campaign manager. They were all really nice. As I get out my business card to hand it to someone coming up to me Matt takes them. He starts singing, "Make it rain, make it rain..." I am cracking up by this point. Well, until I see that the girl has NO CLUE what song he is talking about. He just laughed and we talked a bit more.

Now, so I talked to the Campaign Manager. He's hot. Politicians don't make the best boyfriend, so I am thinking talking long to this guy can't be good. He is really nice though... says he will come by my office one day. Sounds great to me. :)

So I am finally ready to go, Grey's Anatomy came on that night and I needed to get home for it! (I only miss that show for coloring, and I wasn't coloring so I didn't care!) We all said our goodbyes and Matt thanked me for our 'date.' The girl gave me a look and the Campaign Manager must have been in on what happened so he just laughed.

I said my goodbyes, went to the car and called E and Blondie.

So--what do you do when a date isn't a date? When you try to be brave but it almost backfires? I say almost becuase I did enjoy the funny parts of the evening. The food was good, seeing business associates can be great, and laughter. I didn't know what to do. I tried the brave thing and it was interesting but do I honestly think I'll hear from him again? Not unless he has a table to fill. Do I think I'll see the Campaign Manager? Not really--though I have thought about asking my friend about him. But, honestly he has a name I don't even remember! How sad is that! It is different. Oh well, if you can't remember his name should you even be interested? Now, last names are a different story--this is a first name!

I hate to, but it needs to be said

I don't even want to talk about this. It is much easier just to pretend that it isn't happening--that I didn't fall for an asshole.

Really, I don't want to think of him as that. I know E is great friends with this guy, and I am friends with him but there are a few things that I really need to get off my chest. Literally.

So, I don't know when it happened? Maybe one random night when we sounded like 'monkies' and laughed all night. Maybe it was one night in February when we talked on the phone all night like we'd known each other forever? Or maybe it was one random night when we ended up tangled up on my airmatress. Or was it one random night standing on his front porch when he kissed me like there weren't thirty people standing around? I don't know, but I more or less fell for the guy.

Let me explain. I NEVER let people in. They never see the true me because I'm scared they will leave me. This spans back a long time. From when I found out my grandfather had cancer. I was so mad at God because he made the one person who I loved and that loved me more than anything sick. I felt that He didn't want me to be happy. I watched my grandfather suffer for months on top of months. I knew from a very young age what it meant to be hurt. My grandfather was the one person in my life who had never let me down. He was the one who was there when it went to hell at home. He always told me it would be okay, and it was. He was the one who would come and get me and listen to me cry all night. I miss him more and move every day; I'm in tears as I even write this. I will miss him forever and I will never forgive myself for letting him go. I know that it wasn't my fault but as a young child you think it is. You think you did something to deserve losing the one person who you loved more than anything. He wasn't perfect but to me he was. To this day I can't stand to hear anything bad about him; I prefer to remember how tickilsh his feet were and how he hated the smell of eggs. I love him.

From that to this. My grandfather was the only man I ever let in; my father never even got in my life the way Grandpa did. The only other male I ever remotely let in anywhere close to that turned out to be an ass. Now, he and I didn't really date--but I let him in further than anyone else had ever been. I trusted him. And that hurts more than anything, that I was dumb enough to trust him. I trusted the one guy I should have known better than to trust. And I'm not even saying that he broke my trust--we never talked about a future or anything like that, it just hurts to know that the one time I think I'm right I was so wrong.

Now, this guy I miss. I miss our random phone conversations... our random texts. But honestly, he has done some pretty shitty stuff to me. Things you don't do to friends muchless someone that more has happened with.

But ya know what, it was my fault... and now I have to deal with it. I have to forget that I ever let him in. I have to now put him back out and be a friend if he even wants that.

Now, here's the only problem--things I would say to a friend I can't say to him because I really think he would take it as the jealous girl. TO HELL WITH IT!

Oh, and his new songs? (Seeing as I can't send them to him.) Jason Aldean's "I Break Everything I Touch" and Stephen Cochran's "Thinkin' I'm Drinkin'."

Oh and I promise this, I will not let anyone else in without them fighting... and no one fights for me, so I guess throwing myself into a career is the best thing I can do for myself. At least then I can attempt to buy the happiness someone else could or should bring into my life.

So, I think I just lost my undies and my mind!

(Okay, I read over this before I even posted it--sorry if I sound like a complete witch--just a bad day! Needed to vent!)

It has been a while since I've been able to write--sorry! I know that all of my loyal fans have been wondering where in the world I've been, lol. Visiting E, what a surprise! So, I feel it is time to back track a bit.

Labor Day Weekend.

Honestly, I don't even remember what all happened that weekend! I am pretty sure that on that Friday night we hit the bars, Saturday we hit the bars, Sunday the lake, Monday Vixen's and Tuesday hell mountain.

Let's just say that by Sunday we had to take a break and go to the lake. It had been a wild weekend. Full of crazy madness!

Friday night we met up with the boys for a bit, then left them. In the meantime E, Blondie and I rode an Electric bull! How crazy is that? Not all three at the same time, two at a time thank you! It was rather funny. First of all I don't know exactly HOW we ended up at that bar, muchless on the bull! Next thing I know I've lost my sunglasses, been recognized by someone I went to high school with (NEVER a good thing by my standards), and ran a bit of interference for E and Mr. Big. Yeah, you read that right. What comes around, goes around then comes back--sometimes to haunt your ass.

Saturday I got drug to watch a college team that I really do not care for, I mean--I bleed orange! So yeah, E, Blondie, and the boys (Mr. Big and Don Juan) headed south to see the game... we were joined by half of the freakin' town. Always interseting. It was thought by some that aparantly I have a thing going on with Blondie's ex, so NOT the case by the way. Could have went there, didn't--thank you! Next thing I know we are all back at our favorite bar in town which I will call SR's. Fun times! Things got a bit nuts from there. Crazy nuts! I had way too many jager bombs, flirted a bit too much, honesty leaked. The general not so good drunken thoughts rambled. Next thing I know we have shut down the bar and I am standing in the parking lot with Don Juan. Yeah, always an intersting thing. Blondie had already 'found religion' that night but E decided to try to talk Mr. Big into coming home with her. So, anyways... Don Juan and I are standing in the parking lot and talking. He is standing too close, that close that makes you want to taste the liquor on his lips. Momentarily I did--then his damn phone went off. (I am going to shove that thing up someone's ass very soon. Mind you that story is coming.) So, we talked for a moment about randomness, he was ready to 'go home' which made me quite happy. I mean, it has been forever.... too long persoanlly, but that is one of those 'what if I do' moments within itself. Anyways, by this point Mr. Big has said he is staying, as Don Juan and I walk up to the front of the bar they are now standing at he tells Don Juan he is staying and asks if he is doing the same. Well, they are hooked at the hip, so Don Juan decides to stay as well--though I'm sure the text messages he's been getting didn't hurt that any. On to later that night, E takes my car to go get Mr. Big who has just dodged a deer. Ah, the drama.

The next morning we girls decide to head into town to get some grub. Well, who do we see on the side of the road, out of gas, but the text messaging buddy to whom I will call qwitch. (Oh, I of all people can call her this--don't you dare say I'm not being nice. No one knows that whole story.) Great times are had as E texts Don Juan and tells him that his 'friend' might need some help. Well, oh hell--he doesn't have a car at his house. Damn.

So after thinking that we should all know better-but knowing we don't, we continue with our day. Talking about life, love and the lack of--but this time while we're at the lake. This is a great life mind you. We drink, lay at the lake, and generally only have issues with stupid boys.

So, on to Monday. While E was at work I cooked items for the cookout at Vixen's house for Labor Day. Always an intersting day there! Well, in the meantime I decide to go take the tops out of my car. Well, my intentions were GREAT. The keys were locked in it. I tried clothes hangers, looking for a hidden key--nothing. So I decide that before I call E or Blondie, whom I am supposed to be meeting before we go to Vixen's I will try to call the boys. Yeah, they just asked what was wrong--no offering to help, nothing. Does this tell you anything? It should have told me. So, Blondie comes to get me... we go south, meet the families-I progress to drinking two glasses of wine and then it goes downhill. I was saying some CRAZY stuff! Yeah, me crazy! HAHA So we get back to the house and it is just E and I. Fun times! All I said was 'he needs to put his big boy panties on, or off, and..." Well you get the picture. A month? A month? *#$%ing cell phone. So, E decides that Fire Guy should come over... well, I told her to tell him to. I wanted to watch my boys win the game and I was in a GREAT mood! Fire Guy gets my car unlocked. ROCK ON! Brownie points so earned for that! Now, his dissing of my team might have totally canceled that out... oh well! :)

Tuesday was the most intersting. I've never lost my underware and couldn't find them, but it happened! E and I were sitting around thinking that NOTHING was going on that evening then her religion (Mr. Big) decided she need to find him--so he sent her a message. Next thing I know we are headed over to their house, he and Don Juan are roomies. Intersting. We laughed until we cried. Called each other out on crazy stuff--and were generally having a great time. Next thing I know we are on top of the world laughing and loosing things. It was interseting. I still have scrapes and bruises that I can't explain. Well, I could--but not to anyone I know.

While E and the other boys were off doin their own separate things Don Juan kissed me and more. It felt so good to feel his lips on mine. I felt needed, wanted, and much more. Things were going great--then his phone rang. My heart sank. I knew it was qwitch. He gave her directions. Then he kissed me again, as I tried to put myself and my clothes back together he kept dismantling them. Explain to me why the hell he would kiss me, make out, more--remove items, when he knew she was on her way there? While she was walking up the steps. She had to have seen.

Am I that much of a whore? That's exactly what I felt like. A complete slut. Maybe I am, I know I'm being used but I can't say no to him. Or, am I being used? I've never said anything about it. I've always just went along with it because I'm afraid if I say anything then the friendship and everything else will be over. To live with the BS or life without a friend, that is the delima.

Well, on to what happened. He left with her as we went on somewhere else. After making our next round we went back to his house. I refused to go in; not even to get the car keys to leave. It hurt too much to know that the lights were off--the music was up, the mood lights were on... I've been there. I honestly thought I would be there that night. I needed to be. This whole situation is doing nothing for any bit of self esteem I might have ever had. I left E there and went to her house. I didn't sleep at all. No sleep and a long drive with work afterwards are not a good combination.

Last week I was so pissed. It hurt, as his friend I thought I reserved more respect than that. Makes you wonder if you were ever friends to begin with. And no, I don't mean to be rude... and I do think we are friends. But it hurt. It still does--I guess.

Why can't you just tell him to stop?

So that title has nothing to really do with anything that I care to write about at this moment, but it is the line from the current Lifetime Movie I am watching.

Yes, I am sitting here once again... I guess I could stand and type. But nah, I have something to say and sitting is much easier.

The work thing was last night. It was fine I suppose. Just another event. I took hundreds of photos, danced two dances the entire night, and put on that everything is great smile. Yeah, that smile that we all know too well. The one that we all use so that no one will ask the obvious question, 'why are you alone tonight?'

Well, because I am okay.

Let's see I excaped at one point towards the end of the night to go catch a glimpse of the race. I mean, I didn't get to go. You can't expect me not to make my way to the bar to see what is going on!

There were no hot single boys, the average age of attendees was at least 55 so fun times were had by all. Oh well!

So the end of the night came, I came out with six bottles of wine and centerpeices. Might even be the highlight. I called E and Blondie but they seemed to be fading fast, so I came on home. Well, wait--I tried to call the two friends I have in town just to see if they were up to anything or if they wanted to do something but no one answered. Oh wells. So then I came home, put the white wines in the fridge and brought the centerpeices in. Decided that crying would be a good idea, then finally passed out. Fun times.

Today was fine, sleep, Wal-Mart and a neice keept me somewhat busy. Though, every day seems to bring back a bit of my past. I see something that I think 'he' would enjoy or something that reminds me of what I have lost along the way. Not exactly the most fun a girl can have but when you have a little one snap you out of it because she see's Dora and Hannah Montana you tend to move on quickly.

Oh, and you can't tell him to stop because you want him so bad.

"It's hard to tell him no when I want him so bad But I've got to be true to my heart This time." Jo Dee Messina, A Man to Stand Beside Me

Sitting Alone

Ah, the life of a what if I do girl sucks.

I mean, honestly. I gave up my friends in one town for friends in another. Not exactly, but that is what it feels like right now. What exactly do I mean? Let me explain. I grew up where I work. Yeah, back to where I thought I'd never be. Anyways, I have a good job and that is what keeps me here right now. The economy isn't the greatest and if you have something you need to keep it. Well, this weekend I had to stay in my hometown because I have a fancy work thing that I must attend tomorrow night. So this Friday night I sit at home. I literally talk to two people total from what I like to call my past life.

After college I made great friends with people in North Georgia but by doing that I pretty much deleted my other friends from my life. I spend every weekend and every other moment I can in with these 'new' friends. I love them, they are the best friends I have ever had. And with that I mean that I wouldn't trade them for anything!!!

Now, here is the delima. Because I do spend every moment with the 'new' friends I have lost my old friends. When I am in my hometown on the weekends there is no one to see and nothing to do. Yes, there are two friends I still keep in touch with but they have their own 'weekend' lives and I don't fit into them. Yeah, I do live rather close to a metropolatain area, but is it worth it to be a 20-something who goes out alone. Doesn't that look desperate? Yeah, thought so. It also makes you feel worse about the entire situation. Oh well.

A little bit about the party. This is the same event that we have every year. Wahoo. I used to love formal parties but that is when we were all single and going together. May I please state how much it sucks to be the single girl at the party. Yeah. Last year someone was supposed to go but let's just say he is an ass and things didn't work out the way they were supposed to. (I may have to post a blog that I wrote about that when it happened later.) Anyways, this year I just didn't ask anyone. It isn't worth losing another friend because of it. Not that it would have happened that way. I guess I've realized that I don't have that great of guy friends--not ones that you could ask to something like that and that would actually not make an excuse. Yeah, you say that you don't know that until you try. Yeah right, I know.

On to greener pastures.
E and Blondie are having a good night it seems! Their texts are quite funny! :) I love them--crazy girls! Who knows, I may even end up hanging out with them after the party tomorrow night. It's not like I will have anything to do here.

Our Day Thus Far

So during the day while Vivi and myself are at work we tend to text or email back and forth during downtime. I thought today's email would be a good post for today. I thought it was good for a laugh. Of course names have been changed :)

From Vivi:
Texting is not working for me today so I thought I'd just e-mail ya.

He should have at least said something back last night. They are so freaking confusing! He had no right just to leave it hanging. (Can you tell I'm fixing to let my frustration out on him?) He should know that by doing that he is going to make it harder for you to ever trust him in the future... friends or more.

Now, as for why he didn't reply? It was rather lateish whenever you sent it. He could have went to sleep, been playing some sort of game or something. You know me, I always try to think the best. Sometimes that's hard though. Now, do you think I pushed too hard? WHY IS HE NOT REPLYING? It was sooo innocent too. Oh well, I just don't want to loose the friendship too. I mean, come on now. I'm NOT CRAZY. lol

So yeah, back to tourism and pr.

My Response in which Vivi replied under each number in green
1.Big - I agree he should have replied (today is day 1 of freeze out - see blog lol) but it wasn't that late it was only 10 last week when he sent me a message it was like 11. Next time we are alone I'm going to say something along the lines of benefits are great - the friends part needs some work - and this isn't a one way street. I mean if he wouldn't have replied the 1st time that would be one thing but why reply to one and not the next? Just pisses me off!!
Freeze you aye? Well good luck with that one. I know you better than that and I know him. I bet you get a message tomorrow night when we are doing girls night or something. Yep, leave it up to them to screw things up.

2.Don Juan ~ another pain in my ass! lol yes your text was innocent and he should have replied. He may have been busy at work. I think if you haven't talked to him by next week you need to send a msg saying you don't want to be like Clingy Chick and you don't want things to be weird and that you can still be friends without him freaking out that your trying to tie him down.
LOL, another pain? tell me about it. I just don't get it. Earlier in times when he wanted to do stuff he was all about it. Now when I send stuff--whatever. I will leave him alone and I will never bring up that I know how he felt about her but eventually I might have to stay that I want the friendship to keep going. I'm not saying that I want to hang out with him and some other girl on the weekends but we should still be able to be friends. Also, this is my weekend! LOL I feel like this is a custody thing. hahah not really, but two weeks? Come on now!

3. Blog - you started it ~ write on it! lol I can't keep up 2 on my own and if our lives don't get more interesting soon I'm going to have to start making up stuff! lol
I will but honey I just don't have time! I can't do it at work and when I get off I've been busy this week. Tonight is lions and merchants and packing... but I will try to come up with something interesting... even though my life is defiantly not interesting at this point.

4.Have a good day
You too! I'm going to have lunch with someone from ______ Power in a few.
5. Another quote that made me laugh:
Miranda: Who is this Amalita Amalfi character anyway? I'm concerned that you've been drafted into a ring of high-class hookers.
Carrie: She isn't a hooker. She's... she's like an international party girl.
Miranda: She's a hooker with a passport.

GREAT quote.. love that one. It is very true!!!