Grandpa told me so.

I woke up this morning remembering that it was my Grandpa's birthday. A man, that even though I was young when I lost him, I still love dearly. He was the one man who never let me down. He loved me more than I have ever been loved since. I know he loved me because he told me. Because I feel it every time I even think the word 'Grandpa.' That is the one word that can bring me to my knees. I miss him more than I have ever missed anything. He is the one person that I would give almost anything to see again. I miss him.

My Grandaddy is still with us and his birthday is in two days. It is so hard for me to know that I will have to celebrate his birthday in two days when I don't get the chance to tell Grandpa how much I miss him. It isn't Grandaddy's fault, and I gave him a card two years ago that explained. It is explained that I can't be close to him because I am scared I will loose him too. I am frightened that he will let me down too.

I know it is wrong of me to even think... but it makes me so mad every time I think of how much was taken away from me. Not only was the only man I had ever truely respected taken away--so was my spirit. My parents had issues when I was young, and I was afraid of my father. He is not a bad person by any means, but Grandpa would make it better when the fighting was bad. He would come get me.. he would tell me it would all be okay. Oh how I miss him. I want him to tell me that it will be okay. He was the only one who ever gave me that confidence, the others have done nothing but tear it down during the years. He would be so happy with my professional life.. but his first words would be "Vivi, where are my great grandbabies? You know you need to give me some to spoil." Maybe that's why I've never crossed that path. I have no one to give anything to. It makes it easier not to even cross that road. I wish I could ask him why. But I can't. Losing him is the reason I run from men, they will eventually leave anyways.

Grandpa didn't leave, he was taken by Cancer when I was 11.

I was supposed to go see him today, take his favorite red roses... but I didn't. I let work get in the way. I put in an eleven hour day and didn't even take the time to go do something that would have meant more than anything to me. Why?



Grandpa, I miss you and I still need you. I will always be your little girl.

I hate to, but it needs to be said

I don't even want to talk about this. It is much easier just to pretend that it isn't happening--that I didn't fall for an asshole.

Really, I don't want to think of him as that. I know E is great friends with this guy, and I am friends with him but there are a few things that I really need to get off my chest. Literally.

So, I don't know when it happened? Maybe one random night when we sounded like 'monkies' and laughed all night. Maybe it was one night in February when we talked on the phone all night like we'd known each other forever? Or maybe it was one random night when we ended up tangled up on my airmatress. Or was it one random night standing on his front porch when he kissed me like there weren't thirty people standing around? I don't know, but I more or less fell for the guy.

Let me explain. I NEVER let people in. They never see the true me because I'm scared they will leave me. This spans back a long time. From when I found out my grandfather had cancer. I was so mad at God because he made the one person who I loved and that loved me more than anything sick. I felt that He didn't want me to be happy. I watched my grandfather suffer for months on top of months. I knew from a very young age what it meant to be hurt. My grandfather was the one person in my life who had never let me down. He was the one who was there when it went to hell at home. He always told me it would be okay, and it was. He was the one who would come and get me and listen to me cry all night. I miss him more and move every day; I'm in tears as I even write this. I will miss him forever and I will never forgive myself for letting him go. I know that it wasn't my fault but as a young child you think it is. You think you did something to deserve losing the one person who you loved more than anything. He wasn't perfect but to me he was. To this day I can't stand to hear anything bad about him; I prefer to remember how tickilsh his feet were and how he hated the smell of eggs. I love him.

From that to this. My grandfather was the only man I ever let in; my father never even got in my life the way Grandpa did. The only other male I ever remotely let in anywhere close to that turned out to be an ass. Now, he and I didn't really date--but I let him in further than anyone else had ever been. I trusted him. And that hurts more than anything, that I was dumb enough to trust him. I trusted the one guy I should have known better than to trust. And I'm not even saying that he broke my trust--we never talked about a future or anything like that, it just hurts to know that the one time I think I'm right I was so wrong.

Now, this guy I miss. I miss our random phone conversations... our random texts. But honestly, he has done some pretty shitty stuff to me. Things you don't do to friends muchless someone that more has happened with.

But ya know what, it was my fault... and now I have to deal with it. I have to forget that I ever let him in. I have to now put him back out and be a friend if he even wants that.

Now, here's the only problem--things I would say to a friend I can't say to him because I really think he would take it as the jealous girl. TO HELL WITH IT!

Oh, and his new songs? (Seeing as I can't send them to him.) Jason Aldean's "I Break Everything I Touch" and Stephen Cochran's "Thinkin' I'm Drinkin'."

Oh and I promise this, I will not let anyone else in without them fighting... and no one fights for me, so I guess throwing myself into a career is the best thing I can do for myself. At least then I can attempt to buy the happiness someone else could or should bring into my life.