I hate to, but it needs to be said

I don't even want to talk about this. It is much easier just to pretend that it isn't happening--that I didn't fall for an asshole.

Really, I don't want to think of him as that. I know E is great friends with this guy, and I am friends with him but there are a few things that I really need to get off my chest. Literally.

So, I don't know when it happened? Maybe one random night when we sounded like 'monkies' and laughed all night. Maybe it was one night in February when we talked on the phone all night like we'd known each other forever? Or maybe it was one random night when we ended up tangled up on my airmatress. Or was it one random night standing on his front porch when he kissed me like there weren't thirty people standing around? I don't know, but I more or less fell for the guy.

Let me explain. I NEVER let people in. They never see the true me because I'm scared they will leave me. This spans back a long time. From when I found out my grandfather had cancer. I was so mad at God because he made the one person who I loved and that loved me more than anything sick. I felt that He didn't want me to be happy. I watched my grandfather suffer for months on top of months. I knew from a very young age what it meant to be hurt. My grandfather was the one person in my life who had never let me down. He was the one who was there when it went to hell at home. He always told me it would be okay, and it was. He was the one who would come and get me and listen to me cry all night. I miss him more and move every day; I'm in tears as I even write this. I will miss him forever and I will never forgive myself for letting him go. I know that it wasn't my fault but as a young child you think it is. You think you did something to deserve losing the one person who you loved more than anything. He wasn't perfect but to me he was. To this day I can't stand to hear anything bad about him; I prefer to remember how tickilsh his feet were and how he hated the smell of eggs. I love him.

From that to this. My grandfather was the only man I ever let in; my father never even got in my life the way Grandpa did. The only other male I ever remotely let in anywhere close to that turned out to be an ass. Now, he and I didn't really date--but I let him in further than anyone else had ever been. I trusted him. And that hurts more than anything, that I was dumb enough to trust him. I trusted the one guy I should have known better than to trust. And I'm not even saying that he broke my trust--we never talked about a future or anything like that, it just hurts to know that the one time I think I'm right I was so wrong.

Now, this guy I miss. I miss our random phone conversations... our random texts. But honestly, he has done some pretty shitty stuff to me. Things you don't do to friends muchless someone that more has happened with.

But ya know what, it was my fault... and now I have to deal with it. I have to forget that I ever let him in. I have to now put him back out and be a friend if he even wants that.

Now, here's the only problem--things I would say to a friend I can't say to him because I really think he would take it as the jealous girl. TO HELL WITH IT!

Oh, and his new songs? (Seeing as I can't send them to him.) Jason Aldean's "I Break Everything I Touch" and Stephen Cochran's "Thinkin' I'm Drinkin'."

Oh and I promise this, I will not let anyone else in without them fighting... and no one fights for me, so I guess throwing myself into a career is the best thing I can do for myself. At least then I can attempt to buy the happiness someone else could or should bring into my life.