Grandpa told me so.

I woke up this morning remembering that it was my Grandpa's birthday. A man, that even though I was young when I lost him, I still love dearly. He was the one man who never let me down. He loved me more than I have ever been loved since. I know he loved me because he told me. Because I feel it every time I even think the word 'Grandpa.' That is the one word that can bring me to my knees. I miss him more than I have ever missed anything. He is the one person that I would give almost anything to see again. I miss him.

My Grandaddy is still with us and his birthday is in two days. It is so hard for me to know that I will have to celebrate his birthday in two days when I don't get the chance to tell Grandpa how much I miss him. It isn't Grandaddy's fault, and I gave him a card two years ago that explained. It is explained that I can't be close to him because I am scared I will loose him too. I am frightened that he will let me down too.

I know it is wrong of me to even think... but it makes me so mad every time I think of how much was taken away from me. Not only was the only man I had ever truely respected taken away--so was my spirit. My parents had issues when I was young, and I was afraid of my father. He is not a bad person by any means, but Grandpa would make it better when the fighting was bad. He would come get me.. he would tell me it would all be okay. Oh how I miss him. I want him to tell me that it will be okay. He was the only one who ever gave me that confidence, the others have done nothing but tear it down during the years. He would be so happy with my professional life.. but his first words would be "Vivi, where are my great grandbabies? You know you need to give me some to spoil." Maybe that's why I've never crossed that path. I have no one to give anything to. It makes it easier not to even cross that road. I wish I could ask him why. But I can't. Losing him is the reason I run from men, they will eventually leave anyways.

Grandpa didn't leave, he was taken by Cancer when I was 11.

I was supposed to go see him today, take his favorite red roses... but I didn't. I let work get in the way. I put in an eleven hour day and didn't even take the time to go do something that would have meant more than anything to me. Why?



Grandpa, I miss you and I still need you. I will always be your little girl.