I should be reading New Moon!

Okay, so yes. I am one of those people. I have become addicted to the Twilight series. Sorry, but I want to be a Vampire. I can say this because I have only just started the second book, but I hear it gets tough from here to decide how you feel about vampires. Well, as long as I'm not dreaming about them as another friend is... I will deal.

Now on to the real story.

So I went to visit E this past weekend to celebrate the 25 mark. It was a lot of fun! I really didn't know what to expect when I got there but it was really great. She and Vixen were waiting on me to arrive so that we could start their planned adventure. I opened my gifts, a beautiful note set for my desk and an adorable photo frame from E and a 'Motorboat' shirt from Vixen. (A long story mind you.) We laughed at the cards and I told them about my horrible day.

I felt aweful that I just wasn't in the mood to dance when I first got there but a friend had been brutally gunned down that morning. Those things don't happen where I live. It was so hard to think about. But, they listened and I fixed a drink. The next thing I knew we were getting ready to go out and I was putting on my new Bare Minerals Rock Star Eyes. I love it!

So, we get ready and we head south. At this point I know that E has invited Big to go with us... I am drinking... let's celebrate! Well, I also didn't know it was supposed to be a girls night per Vixen. That's where it got interesting. Oh well, so we go eat and I am shocked to see lots of my friends there. It makes you feel great to know that people actually care about you too. We had fun, too many drinks and laughed the evening away. Soon it was time for us to head even further south and to the club. Always fun. By this point the boys have met up with us and they are going on to the club. Fun!

The next thing I knew I was on the dance floor a bit tipsy. I know that there is drama going on but I am really trying to stay out of. So... I met this guy from closer to my hometown... he bought me a Jack and Coke and we danced. Ah, how nice it is to dance with a random scumpcious smelling stranger. :) So we had fun and then it was time to go. E said she was going to stay with another girlfriend who met us at the club so Vixen and I decided to head back north. Realize, I was a bit... good to go... by this point. "It's my BIRTHDAY!"

So, Vixen and I hit up the gas station and head out. We get to the house very late and I have to move E's car. I did it is all I can say! Me and Vixen's size six flip flops; I wear a size 10 btw. So anyways. We talked even more than we had in the car. She and her fience had broken up the week before so we knew he would be there very early the next morning to get his stuff... and he was.

He got there at 8am. Okay, really? The hung-over girl did not need this. Thankfully another friend was with him and they decided to start on the bottom floor and leave the bed we were sleeping in til last. At this point I felt horrible that I wasn't consoling Vixen but honestly, I would have been puking not talking. So, after a while it is time for me to migrate to the couch. So, I, in a snug white t-shirt and pj pants head off... only to see about five guys in the living room. Great, should have left that bra on. Anyways, I lay down on the couch and try to avoid the nausea that is slowly waving over me. A little while later the 'nice guy' comes in and says, 'honey, I made the bed for you... you can go get back in it.' Oh was I ever thankful for that.

I go get in bed and Vixen and I stay there talking and watching movies most of the day. She is concerned for me because that night I would be seeing DJ for the first time since the night of hell.

So, we had our Christmas shin-dig at another friends house where I honestly ruled the beer pong tournament. Honestly, I won 6 of 7 games. And I lost the last one I played, I think it was because I was still standing to even play it. Anyways, about haflway through the night the 'boys' show up. It was so strange. That is all I can say. I was fine with it, but it was weird. He wished me a happy birthday and talked for a bit. The next thing I know I am standing on the back porch, his arm around me not leting go and gently rubbing my side. 'I love your hair, you look beautiful." Can I call a bullshit? That is what I wanted to say, I had just won six games of beer pong I was definatly not beautiful, but whatever. We talked for a bit then everyone started to leave. He wanted to stay to play more beerpong but his ride was leaving and I wasn't about to personally ask him to stay. Sorry, not even going to attempt that road again. I don't know. I think I was just so hurt by the actions that were taken the last time I saw him that I didn't know what to do or say. The more my drunken state became I was madder at myself for not being at least a little bothered than anything. It's like nothing really even happened... like it was six months ago all over again.

I swore this would not be about all of that so I am going to finalize that portion with this: I miss my friend more than I could ever say. I miss the one person I was completely honest with no matter what the subject. I miss crazy ass phone conversations in the middle of the night as we discussed musical lyrics and remakes. And yes, it hurt more than I thought it would but I am very happy to see that he is doing well.

Now, Sunday we went shopping. This is always good. I like to shop. My credit card will hate me. We had fun though! Vixen found her New Years outift and I bought lingeree and make-up. Hmm... intersting if I do say so myself. After dropping them off at their respective areas I had to drive the hour and a half drive back home. I was exausted when I got home but managed to start my New Moon book that I had received at the work Christmas party on Friday. It is good, but as I said before I haven't made it very far.

After throwing a party at work this evening I headed to the funeral home--which is something I hate to do. I don't want to talk about the situation but here is the semi-strange portion. Who do I see as I walked in? Oh just the guy I would love to hook up with in my hometown; you know the guy you adore? I know, you shouldn't be getting dates at a funeral home. I didn't. I didn't even get to talk to him but I did send him a message after leaving. We were both polite with the Merry Christmas blah blah stuff. Why doesn't he take a hint?

Sometimes a girl just needs to color.

Hit on at the gas station, seriously?

It's hard to believe that so much time has passed since I started this blog. I've done this sort of thing before, the thing where only one of your friends knows it exists and quite frankly talks you into doing it in the first place, but then you do it and you enjoy it for a while. Then the reality kicks in. You begin to read your old posts and it either makes you sad or makes you angry. IE, you want the good things back or you wish they had never happened. Right now those two items are at a dead tie. Christmas season I suppose.

So, as I am getting gas today this guy walks over towards my car. He is talking on his cell phone. I recognize him from my past and quickly get my phone in order to check in with my next appointment. Okay, I think he is walking away. Wrong, why can't the pumps be faster and instant from your vehicle? I have to speak.

"Hello," I say.

He smiles, "Hey, didn't you go to XXX High School?"

"No," I look away hoping for a savior, "I went to XXX XXX High School."

"Oh, you look very familiar."

I think for a moment and it hits me like a lump of coal upside the head, "I used to work a YYY."

"That's where I know you from! I'm on my way there right now to insure my new truck."

I smile, that is where I am on my way to. "Yeah, that was a long time ago," I say.

He smiles hopefully, "Are you dating anyone?"

Thinking quickly, "Actually yes I am," I say as I totally lie through my teeth.

"Is it serious?"

"Yes." I state matter of factly. "He lives out of town."

He looks disappointed then smiles, "Is it serious."

"Yes, very much so." I say looking down at the ring on my left hand I had placed there when I emptied my car out to take it to the dealership to have repairs made.

He looks ever so slighly, "He wouldn't have to know."

"Sorry," I state, "I don't think he would like that."

"But... I've asked you out several times before and you've always said no."

TAKE THE HINT, goes though my mind. "I'm sorry, he's a great guy and I would never do that."

"Oh!" Thinking fast, "do you go to church anywhere?"

"Yes, I go in XYZ town when I am with him." I say all too convincingly.

He looks away, "My mom, dad and I go to **** church, ever heard of it?"

I nod no.

"Well, if you're ever in town you should come visit. The pastor is in his 20s and is great."

"Thanks for the invitation," I smile backing towards my car door--thanking the heavens that my car is finished guzzling gas.

"It is great to see you, let me know if you're ever single."

"Okay," I smile. "Tell the girls at the insurance office hello."

So, I jump in my car and call my friend I was going to see at the insurance office. "That guy that used to stalk me is coming in, he bought a new truck... please lie for me!" She laughs histarically. "No, you really have to. He will stalk me! He knows where I work! I am in the paper all the time! Please tell my aunt if she asks NOTHING. There is no guy (Here, wishing there was), but he can NOT know that!"

She laughes and tells me to go to her house to get what I need. I avoid him and life is good.

So that is the funny story of the day. The guy that drove me crazy then may put me over the edge today.

Now, to looking back. This all comes full circle when in some aspects I only wish I had something that true to tell someone at Christmas. I wish things were different. I wish, I wish, I wish. Things are never going to change. It is official.

Now, I am going to visit E tomorrow! She Vixen and I will be doing something for my birthday which was earlier in the week. It should be great fun. Now, SHE has some explaining to do I have some "I told you sos" to say! ;)

Can you smile?

Have you ever really not been able to smile for days? I mean, sure, there are times when we think we have nothing to smile about but have you literally been unable to do so? Well I am there.

I had some dental surgery last week and am still unable to smile. In the beginning I couldn't even attempt it because I was so swollen, now it just hurts like hell. I keep thinking that this isn't happening. Oh, but there are pictures.

I just went to a lingerie shower for a high school friend and there are pictures of all of us and me--unable to smile look pissed the entire time. I wasn't. I am very excited for her. I totally understand planning a wedding in three weeks and think it is great that she and someone I was supposed to be set up with are getting married. LOL

So, back to not smiling. I've ate nothing but applesauce, no sugar added, scrambled eggs, twice, and mashed potatoes (at my birthday dinner at a nice restaurant). Can you tell I am loving this? Well, my thought is that this is my Christmas diet. I can't eat anything I want to so I might as well loose a few pounds while I'm at it. I wore a pair of jeans today that wouldn't have even buttoned last week. Wahoo!

So my mom is coming and she asked what I wanted. All I want is a milk shake, strawberry, from McDonald's. I mean, nothing cures pain like that. But no, their machine is out of order. Honestly?

Well, I'm off to make eggs. See, these things I don't actually have to chew.

Like Always

Like always the minute I'm ready to give up on Big he appears to once again throw my life into turmoil. Self-created turmoil, but turmoil none the less... Call it intuition or perhaps my somewhat physic ability to predict the near future but this morning as I sat at my desk I knew I would hear from him today. Then out of boredom I checked my horoscope/lovescope for today and it read:

"The astral aspect at play brings that old touch of magic to love and relationships today. But although it may seem truly fantastic, and as though you have been transported to the seventh heaven or cloud nine, don't presume that this is 'the glorious being' themselves, now arrived to save you from loneliness, boredom, and a freezing cold bed. It could be, but just don't bank on it yet!"

Yep, I thought to myself, I haven't heard from him since Saturday but I'll hear from him today. Sure enough I sat eating diner and from the other room I heard my phone go off signaling the receipt of a new text message. I knew it was from him. I finished eating then retrieved my phone. Sure enough his name was displayed on the screen along with an envelope. I learn he is out of town for work and won't be back till middle of next week.

Not being able to take it anymore! Hating the not knowing feeling that has consumed me the last few days. I become blunt when perhaps I shouldn't be.

Me: "Can I ask you a question?"

Big: "yea"

Me: "Did you really mean your little speech you gave last week?"

Big: "about?"

Me: "lol if you don't remember it, I'll assume it was the beer talking :)"

About? About? He quoted the effing Notebook for crying out loud! What the freak does he mean about? I shake my head. I truly am a hopeless romantic. Of course I want it to be like a scene in a movie where he tells me of course he meant it. Or at least knows what I'm talking about. Is that to much to ask for?? Once again I blame Disney and all those movies that lead girls to believe that such things do exist. Pish. Those guys don't exist.

I have to give it to Big though, he can be good with the words when he wants to be..... When will I ever learn?

Just Enough Rope

I. Can't. Sleep. I lay in the darkness waiting for sleep to come. I toss and turn, so many thoughts running thru my head. In silent desperation I feel the need to write. I feel the need to just get it out. I reach for the lamp on my nightstand and in one swift motion switch it on. Light floods the room. At the end of the bed a sleepy terrier blinks slightly annoyed that the darkness of night has been broken. Apparently I was the only one having trouble falling asleep. I retrieve my laptop, flip it open and press the power button. As I wait for it boot up I stare listlessly at the screen. Perhaps searching for answers to questions I have yet to ask aloud. Frustration seeps from my finger tips as I log in and start to type. Why do I let him do this to me? Why do I let him get to me?

It's been a week since the "Big" speech. Have I heard from?........ Well yes. But not in the way I expected I guess. I haven't heard from him since Saturday. I hate to admit it but I guess I was right. Some things never change. Oh how I longed to be wrong this time. Do I really think things will ever work out... No not really. But I'd like to give it a shot that way I will know once and for all perhaps.

I swear he has me on a radar. Every time my life starts going good and I'm at the point where I let him go it's like his radar goes off. Letting him know that I'm moving on. Then with sugar coated words he reels me back in. He gives me just enough rope..... just enough rope to keep from drowning but not quite enough to go ahead and hang myself. I still don't understand it. I mean he sounded so sincere.... this time the words didn't feel empty. This time the words had been laced with thought and feeling. Perhaps I am not the only one evolving. With time he has learned he has to step up his game to keep me hanging on. What is the point of it all though? I shake my head trying to clear it of all these thoughts. I'm so tired of letting him get to me like this. I'm tired of wasting my time thinking about him and the motives behind his actions. I need to let go. Throw the rope back, maybe I'm secretly afraid to let go. Cause I know that at the other end of that rope is my safety net. I'm tired of being the winner though at this loosing game. Maybe I do need to gather the courage to throw the rope back..... but what if I drown?

I can't be alone

If I've learned anything in the past two years it is that I can't be alone. I hate to be alone. I need people to function properly. Don't mistake wanting to be with people that I don't like to be alone for small amounts of time, but whole days make me a bit crazy.

It is Saturday and I have nothing to do and no one to do it with. Everyone in this town has something else going on and I'm not invited. Great. I hate this. My friends from E's side of the world invited me over to go look at Christmas lights but it is such a drive for one evening. Plus, I really don't want to be the third wheel on that outing. So, here I sit typing a blog.

I have sent texts to everyone here and asked them what was going on tonight. Christmas parties, got the kids, going out. Yeah, the usual I guess. Oh well.

Honestly though, I hate being by myself. For so long it was never a question, I packed my stuff on Thursday nights and headed out of town on Friday's after work and didn't return til Monday when I went straight in to work. Yeah, those days are gone. We've all grown up and have more responsibility than before. I don't think growing up is a bad thing, it just changes things and takes time to adjust.

I do miss those times though. No one seems to understand how much I do hate staying here. How much I need an escape. I hate to say it but leaving is like a drug. It feels like I've actually had a break when I get home. Oh well. Monies aren't easy to come by right now either, so I'll be happy that I have a job and deal with it.

Last night I did go see Four Christmases with a friend. It was HILARIOUS! I laughed my head off. But there were sad parts too. At one point Reese is sitting at her dad's house by herself in tears because she has seen how happy her family is with their kids and significant others. I wiped away the few escaped tears and tried to hold the flow back. I know how she feels. I'm not looking forward to it this year.

This morning I tried to plan a trip in March to a Billy Joel and Elton John concert but the tickets were just too much. $125 for horrible seats? Sorry, not doing it. The hopeful little girl in me hopes that at that point I will be seeing someone who will want to do something great for me and will buy the tickets. Right, what a great try. Sometimes my happy fantasy land is the best place to live.

Well, I guess I am going to go shower and at least put on nice clothes. I can't just sit here like this all day. I'm already done Christmas shopping minus two gifts. I may go out and try to finish those... but if I do I won't have anything to do the rest of the month of December.

Put your feet up on a road where you've never been

What do you do when you realize that you are scared? That you are truly afraid of what the future holds because things are so up in the air? Nothing really. Well, not so much.

I guess what I mean is that this isn't where I thought I would be less than a month to 25. I thought I would have a career I really wanted, be dating someone (if not married) who really loved me and wanted to spend the holidays with me, and be living on my own or with that special someone. But, thus there is none of the above.

The career I have is not the one I wanted. It is not something I want to do forever. I almost feel like I am taking a promotion because it is the next step. It is what is expected from someone in my situation. Everyone else seems to think it is a great fit but I'm a bit afraid. I know I can do it... but I think it will make me miserable in the process. What can I do about it? Nothing, it has already been announced and people are expecting it. I guess it makes it harder when your friends are sending you resumes for the position. Great.

Being with someone would be great. I am so f'in tired of going to things along. Thanksgiving sucked because I kept being asked where 'he' was. I don't even know who 'he' is much less where the heck he is! Come on now! It is always the same thing this time of year though. I hate it. I thought things would be different. But, I suck. Yeah, I do. I don't do relationships. I wish I knew how. I thought I had picked up on that, but apparently not.

All day on Thanksgiving I kept wondering what if? What if things were different. It would be nice for once for the questions not to be 'who is,' 'where is,' 'why not.' It would have been great. Oh well, just more to look forward to at Christmas. Yeah, it will be much worse then. I will be in a horrible mood because I will be alone. Riding in my parents car to my grandparents houses. NO! I will drive alone if I have to! I don't want to wake up alone in my parents house on Christmas. I want to be loved... cared for. I want someone to want ME. I am so sick of wanting something that I apparently can't have or doesn't exist. I thought it did; Disney should be sued for making us think that there is a happily ever after. There isn't! Everyone keeps saying that soon I will meet someone. BULLSHIT! I've been trapped in the same hell for years. Nothing changes.

So yes, in a little over two weeks I will be 25. Half-way to fifty. Everyone knows I hate my birthday. I hate it. There is no reason for me to like it. Yeah, I find tons of stuff to do the week before and the week after but that's only so I don't cry all evening, mind you I still cry myself to sleep. Either that or I have drank too much to be able to think about crying. Why do I feel like this? Again, because I am alone. Friends go a long way, but not long enough. They try to make you feel better when honestly all you want to say is 'I want to be loved, I want someone to really love me for once.' But no, life goes on and you have to listen to how bad their guy sucks when you are thinking how lucky they are to have him. Yes, LUCKY. I know many people who have never had to deal with being alone. Well, after so many years you are left behind. You don't know how to let anyone in. Guys begin to look at you like you are crazy for even being interested. Yeah, the skinny, laughing, cute girls get whatever they want whenever they want it just for those reasons. Those reasons SUCK. It is not flipin fair. I can go out and not be hit on once. Yeah, I'm that girl-the average girl who has the job, car, circumstances that you would think men would like--but hell to the no.

Oh yeah, everyone that is an aquantiance thinks I'm married. Well that fake smile must great magic tricks. I'm tired of smiling. I just want to say I don't care about your wedding right now! This is not the time of year for me to be happy go lucky. (Did I mention I am cooking for a bridal shower I am throwing tomorrow night? Yeah, not thrilled. Listening to the radio then I heard a song that reminded me of him. You know him, we all have a 'him.' I marched right over to that controller with my sticky nasty food fingers and turned it. Screw it, a new mouse is worth not having those flashbacks.)


I am just so tired of putting on the happy smile. I don't know why I decided to write this rant... but it came out. I had a great weekend and I should have been writing about that... some random concert with friends, screaming it was my birthday, dancing like a crazy person, laughing like nothing else mattered, seeing baseball players that I didn't even know who they were, music from 1996, a college football game in the freezing cold rain, hearing my friends new husband actually talk and then crack us up, Twilight. Yeah, it was a great weekend! The kind I really live for. Because most of the time then I don't have to think about the fact that I don't want to go home alone. But there is always that moment when you realize that you are single and that you are alone and there is nothing that anyone can do about it.

So what do you do when you find yourself in this position? Some friend say go out and meet someone. Where? A bar? Okay. It doesn't work that way. I know patience is a virtue, but it is one I do not possess. I just want things to be different this holiday season. I don't want to be alone anymore.