Him

I wrote this on March 20 in a draft and did not get around to posting it.....

You are out of my life. I have closed my heart to you. Why then when I get a text and I open it does my heart skip a beat. Why do the butterflies swirl in my stomach? As I sit at work my phone goes off. It's a text. I assume it is Vixen who I have been texting about weekend plans. Imagine my shock to see his name. Before I can control it those emotions swirl inside me. Why? When I am around him or see him I can keep them in check. Tell myself I no longer care and for that matter actually believe it. But that surprise moment takes me by surprise, my guard was not up. My cheeks flush. I can feel the flames creeping up my neck. Why him? What is so special about him that makes my heart race? Let's stop and analyze this for a moment. He's cute but he's not drop dead good looking or anything. He can be nice and thoughtful at times, but a selfish ass at others. He may never really grow up. He doesn't have a steady job. But he has that lopsided smile, the one that makes it impossible to say no to. It's the way he holds me when I cry. The way he really listens when I talk. It's that school girl crush that remembers those summer nights long ago when she fell in love with a blue eyed boy she knew would break her heart.

Days like this..

So I have nothing to do today. Seriously. I bought some concert tickets when I woke up this morning and then decided to get ready. It has taken me two hours to get a shower and dry my hair. I haven't even thought about my makeup because of the 'plans' I have decided on.

Yes, I am going to have a me day. I am going to tan then put on my makeup, get a pedi and from there I really don't know. I was invited to go to the outlet malls that are semi-nearby but decided against it. They were leaving too soon and I wouldn't have time for the other plans I have made. It is a me day. I've decided from here on out I'm going to do things the way I want to and if other people's ideas fit into those, fine. If not? I'm really sorry.

Let's see how much I can accomplish, alone.

Keepin' it down on the low key

I've not sat down and written in forever. I just don't have time anymore. I feel like I can't get a breath, much less sleep.

Work is insane and very long. I work long hours, do too many projects yet I still don't know if I actually get to keep my job. Today is the last day that they are going to be accepting applications for the position. I guess I will see what they decide to do. I asked for $38,000 which is really pennies for what I do but it is $10,000 more than what I make now. It would help so much, if people only knew. Oh well, I don't even know when they will make a decision.

So what else has been going on? Not too much. Just work. I was sick for quite some time. I wish I had some quirky story to tell--but the way I see things are very different from the way others seem to see them lately.

I am tired of the BS; make a decision and deal with it. Don't change my plans because they don't suit you. I don't do friendships that way. I give a lot more than I should many times and at this point in my life I'm done with that. I want to be respected and for people to understand that sometimes I want it my way not theirs. -that felt good.

I guess I'm just too nice to tell people what I really think. Though honestly, I would have a few friends less if I did because people don't expect me to tell them 'how it is.' I'm always supposed to be the funny fun loving one. Yup, those days are gone. In their place is responsibility and an "I'm doing things my own damn way even if I have to do them alone' attitude.

Yes, alone. Screw it. I am anyways.

Another Night, Another Dream But Always You

It was Easter Sunday and I sat in my church pew before the sermon started thinking how ironic life can really be. He sat directly in front of me just a few rows up with his "new" family. I figured he may be here today but could he not have sat somewhere else not within my line of sight? On the outside I appeared calm and cool allowing no one to see the tears that flowed within. He was my best kept secret and my favorite mistake. Part of me wished it was me that he sat next to. But the other part of me knew that everything happened for a reason.

It didn't help that I knew to many secrets. To much about his situation; to much from every angle. I wished him the best and hoped that everything would work out between him and the woman that now carried his unborn child. But like myself I didn't think this would be his storybook ending. Again I knew to much. To much of her personal thoughts. And the worse part was I really liked her. That was what made it easier to be semi-happy for him and hope that it all would work out and that this would be his happily-ever-after.

Either way his chapter as a love interest in my life was closed forever. Harsh? No just to many complications. To many strings attached. At least in this small town.

Funny this was never how I thought our story would end.

Inconsiderate & Careless

So as I sit here once again, I feel like I just don't care anymore. I don't care what happens or how it gets there. I am so tired of working my ass off and getting nothing in return; work and otherwise. Why is it when you are the strong one, then that is the only thing you are ever considered by anyone else? You aren't the one with feelings, needs, wants or anything else. You are the person who gets shit on and forgotten. People seem to just want you to do things for them and they give nothing in return. I guess sometimes you just need to tell people that they are inconsiderate careless asses.