Life goes on...

...Long after the feeling of living is gone.

I seem to use that quote a lot lately. What happened? That wasn't me? Well, it was prior to college but since I have been out it is coming back to haunt me. I don't know why but it seems that nothing can possibly ever work out the way I want it to.

As a child and teen I wanted nothing more than to have the career and everything that went with it. I was ready to multi-task and take on the world. Nothing was going to stop me from being 'somebody' in the business world. While, as an adult things have changed. Now I want nothing more than relationships. I'm not necessarily saying of the romantic sort. I'm talking about the friendships we all need to survive. (Not that a bit of romance wouldn't be absoulely GREAT right now.)

Looking back at my past I see that I was so bent on making something of myself only because I had no one there to really be a friend. I didn't have those relationships. I never got close to anyone because I had lost someone I loved and thought that everyone I ever got close to would leave in the same way. I was young when this happened, but it burnt something into my soul--a wound that will never truly heal.

Now I have learned because of my wonderful friends that I need those relationships--I need people in my life. It isn't always about the number in your bank account or the title on your business card. Mind you, these things do not hurt. These things at times can only help your friends whether that is helping them to find a new job, taking them to a concert they otherwise couldn't afford, all of these things are made possible by a career.

It is just hard to find a happy medium.

Right now I am faced with a huge delima. If I turn back into that old person with goals that went to the moon then I am terrified that I will loose everything else that matters to me--and by that I mean the friendships I value most. Though, aren't those friends the ones who are supposed to stand by you through everything? They are, but I've been down that road with people I thought were true friends in the end--and when it came down to it they had moved on and I wasn't on their new path. Or, do I continue to value the friendships and allow what could be to pass me by? I'm not saying that my friends are not supportive, they are--but there is a difference there. I know that one day these friends are going to get married, have babies, and the single girl I am now won't be as welcome.

That takes me on to another area of interest. Family, my own family. Is that something I need? I am almost to the point that if it happens it happens, if not then once my friends move on to those stages in life listed above then I will just move on. Literally, pick up and move on and talk on the phone during those two a.m. feedings; while they are feeding there precious little ones I will just be walking home from the bar. Sounds sad, yes, I thought so too.

I really don't know what to think or do. There isn't just a fork in the road at this point there is a freakin' round-a-bout. I don't know if there is one answer to all of this.

Right now, YES--I do know exactly what I want. What I would be content with--but it isn't something that is easily obtained--nor do I think I would be respected for that decision. Which takes me on to why do I care what other people think? Though, that is a whole other topic of discussion.