Alone.

More than anything, I hate being alone. I hate knowing that life is passing me by every minute that I am doing nothing. Literally, even reading is hard because want to know that there is something real out there. I guess that comes from the fact that I've never actually lived. Yeah, sure. I've had the jobs and the prestige but that is not what I want. I want the memories. I want to be the one who is loved--not just the one who hears about it from her girlfriends. I want to know that everything has a reason. That there is a reason in the end that I am living in this hell I call my life. I need to know that there is nothing wrong with me, that it isn't because I am scared or that I'm just not attractive enough. I've figured those things out. Only once in my life did I get a boost in that department but he shattered that like he did our friendship. I really do just want to know that someday things will be different--but honestly I know they won't. I'll never be the girl who he looks at and wants to be with, that anyone wants to be with. I'm the one no one is willing to work for--even though I give everything to everyone else to help them reach their dreams. I guess those full moons teach you that being wild would be nice but honestly why does it even matter when you are alone?