I'm moving on... at last I can see....

So as I thought, I work all the time. This new job is beginning to get to me. Everyone says I look tired, my friends swear I've abandoned them and I don't even care what a single person thinks anymore. Tough.

I work all the time but to get where I want to be in life (self sufficient and happy) I have to. I have come to understand that I'm not meant to be in a relationship for any length of time so I might as well work. It makes it easier to realize that I'm not the girl to be desired. I'll have my meetings and charge my strawberry shortcake to the office thank you very much.

When I get home I just want to sleep. I don't care how much fun I could have on a weekend--why does it matter? It isn't like it matters that I'm not doing anything. Life goes on, I've learned that the hard way. People have their own lives and their own happiness's and I'm not putting on the 'I'm so excited for you' face any more. The people I love know it and that's all that matters. I'm over the fake all about me friendships, I don't need them anyways.

I want mature people in my life. I don't have time for the bs anymore. I've got a career and a life. I'm sorry. I've got to do what is best for me right now and that is sleep. I'm always expected to be happy go lucky. I'm not, nothing's wrong, just being me. I can't hide me anymore.

I've learned that we grow up and grow apart. There's nothing I can do about that. I may not be getting married or having kids but I should be respected. My life is important too and if I choose to be alone in it or not go to an event then I'm sorry. I'm doing what's best for me and putting myself through emotional hell is not my idea of a good time. I'm done with emotional hell, I lived for everyone else and took care of them for so long that I can't do it any more. I'm moving on.

4th of July party

So last night I decided to adventure to the annual cookout my cousin holds. Very interesting. I get there around 9 p.m. because I had been tubing down the river all day. I was worn out and wanted nothing more than to go to bed but I decided that since an old 'friend' was going to be there I should go.

When I get to this shindig it is dark, I am averted from parking close to the fireworks launching area and park on the lower 40 of the field. I walk, with my sunfriend eyes, towards the mass number of people and see that they are playing the race on the side of a motorhome. SCORE! This excited me beyond belief, I go in that direction and see my parents. After a few minutes I decide to walk to see who else was there. I talked to a lot of family and friends and then see the boy. I walk past him and say hello, he says nothing but a kind 'hi' in the tone of 'who the heck are you?'

I brush it off and go talk to the party throwers and check out the band. Fun. From there I see the 'boy' again. I try to start a conversation but he isn't getting who I am. I have pride, I refuse to tell him. We are in the light and if he doesn't get it then I'm not going to tell him. So, I stay for a bit longer and decide to go home. I'm tired, a bit saddened that I am not memorable at all. (Even when we've hung out many times and talked even more on the phone.)

On my way home I call a girlfriend. We discussed how funny it is that when we really want someone to see us, they don't. Maybe he knew who I was and just didn't want to say anything. Maybe he's not interested. Our conversation goes to how much people change. I used to think this boy was hoooooootttttt. Not so much any more. He is attractive but not what I remember. Oh well, the party was a bust--but coming home and sleeping was great.